My Time In Exile
by I Breathe Because Of You
Summary: Set at the end of Mash Off. Santana's life is at the boiling point. Can Rachel Berry keep her from drowning?
1. We Sit Around Drinking Tables

_So this is the first chapter of the new story I was talking about in my profile. The italics are flashbacks. This story starts right at the end of mash off. Takes a tid bit out of IKAG and after that it'll be , Randy is mine. Santana's parents when they become part of the story are mine as well. Probably won't follow the storyline of season 3 much at all, mainly because it pissed me off. Also a big thank you to TheChosenSlayer5by5 for giving me all of these ideas and being my beta and adding pieces that I obviously didn't add. So here you go. _

_Disclaimer: Glee doesn't belong to me, because if it did...oh the gay!_

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"Everyone's gonna know now because of you!" Santana yelled

"The whole school already knows and you know what? They don't care."

"Not just the school you idiot! Everyone."

"What are you talking a-"

_**Crack!**_

_'__Hey Santana, why don't you just come out of the closet? You know, I think I know why you're so good at tearing everybody else down. It's because you're constantly tearing yourself down because you can't admit to everybody that you're in love with Brittany and she might not love you back. That must hurt, not being able to admit to everyone how you really feel. You know what I think you are? A coward.'_

"WHAT THE HELL SANTANA?" Finn screamed.

_'I don't want to date you anymore San. I'm sorry, but I want to be able to hold your hand in public and kiss you whenever I want. And it's clear that you don't want that or you do, just not with me,' Brittany said while handing Santana a box of her things._

_ 'Britt, I do want that, I'm just not ready, you know that,' Santana cried. _

_ 'I'm sorry, but I made up my mind.'_

"Me marginado. Me marginado a todo el estado de Ohio! Eres egoista, pero todo el mundo piensa que eres este tipo increible. Usted es una serpiente. Crees que no se que Brittany no me ama? Ella rompio conmigo que douchebag! Entonces, que tengo ahora? NADA! Tendre suerte si mis padres aun me dejan vivir en su casa caundo se enteran! Eres un imbecil insensible!" Santana screamed then turned on her heel and ran from the auditorium.

Rachel whipped around and sent a hard glare to Mr. Shue and the rest of the club. Puck and Quinn were burning holes in the back of Finn's head, Mike and Tina were visibly upset that someone they thought was a nice guy could do such a thing and Kurt, Kurt is devastated. He thought Finn had learned. Rachel turned to Finn.

"You outed her Finn! You knew that happened to my father! Why would you be so stupid?"

'_FAG!'_

_ 'Cock-sucker.'_

_ 'Randy, what's with everybody today?' Hiram said as he reached his friend. _

_ 'You're a fag, what do you think is with everybody? They finally found out that you're disgusting. Don't come near me again, I don't want to catch the gay,' he sneered. _

"I can't be with anybody that insensitive, I hope you have a happy life Finn Hudson because I am done with you!" Rachel stated heatedly while grabbing her things following the steps that the Latina took.

Jogging through the hallway Rachel finally makes it to the doors. There she sees Santana walking to her car.

"Santana wait," Rachel says grabbing the taller girl's arm to stop her. "Santana, I'm so sor-"

"NO RACHEL! I'M SORRY!" Santana yelled cutting the shorter girl off as she turned around. "I'm sorry I treated you like shit for years, I'm sorry for everything that I've ever done to you. I wish that I could take it all back, but I can't, I can't and I wish I could because now I'll never get the chance that I want with you. I love you and I could never be brave enough to tell you that I love you. I love everything about you, your big dreams, your hair, your face, the fact that you think metaphors are important. I just love you and it doesn't matter because you're with Finn Hudson," she cried. "I'm so sorry." With that she took off for her car and left Rachel Berry standing in the middle of the parking lot for the first time in her life speechless.

_'Daddy, why do people make mean remarks to you and dad?' asked a 4 year old Rachel. _

_ 'Well, honey, you know how everyone else has one mommy and one daddy?'_

_ 'Yes.'_

_ 'Well, you have two daddies. And you have two daddies because we love each other, we love each other like a mommy and a daddy love each other.'_

_ 'So people don't like you because you don't love a mommy you love a daddy?'_

_ 'Yeah, sweet-pea. But you got to know that it doesn't matter if you love a mommy or a daddy, as long as you love the person, alright?'_

_ 'Love the person, not the, daddy what's the word?'_

_ 'The gender sweetie. Like you are a girl and me and your dad are boys.'_

_ 'Love the person, not the gender.'_

Rachel Berry loves Santana Lopez as well. She honestly had no idea that Brittany broke up with Santana. Biggest reason why she never said anything to Santana. The second reason was because she loved Finn, well did love Finn, but she can't be with him, not after what he did to Santana. It's wrong and her father told her about when he was outed. The rest of his high school life was hell. So now what?

For Santana Lopez her now what was just starting. Once she got home she went to the liquor cabinet because her parents were both on night shift at the hospital and pulled it open. Once opened she pulled out a bottle of Grey Goose and went to her room. Pulling out the cork she took a big swig.

"Finn Hudson thinks he's got it all figured out," she said taking another long drink. "Thinks because he has the girl he can just do as he pleases. You can't just rip someone out of the closet." Tipping back the bottle and downing half of it she sat down on her loveseat. "First Brittany breaks up with me, then he outs me, my grandmother is going to disown me when she finds out. And now to top it all off Rachel Berry knows that I love her. FUCK!" grabbing the bottle she stands up and starts drinking the rest on her way downstairs to get another bottle.

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_Read and Review, let me know what you think. Also what Santana said when she went off in spanish is this..."You outed me. You outed me to the entire state of Ohio! You're selfish, but everyone thinks you're this amazing guy. You're a snake. You think I don't know that Brittany doesn't love me? She broke up with me you douchebag! So what do I have now? NOTHING! I'll be lucky if my parents still let me live in their house when they find out! You're such an insensitive jackass." If you speak spanish and it's not right...blame google translate!  
_


	2. Can't Kill Something That's Already Dead

_This is completely un-beta'd, so all mistakes are mine. This chapter is also all my doing, except for the song. Also,THANK YOU for the reviews and story alerts and the favorites on this story. There's so many story alerts and favorites on here from just one chapter. It makes me feel like a giddy little kid. :)_

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Santana woke up with a groan. Turning her head to the side, she saw that it was only 8pm. Where was the insistent ringing coming from? Oh yeah that's the door. Grumbling, she slowly dragged herself off the couch and pulled herself to the front door. Taking a second to fix her disheveled appearance she opened the door.

Groaning she leaned against the door frame. "Why are you here Rachel?"

"Well, you left before you let me speak," Rachel said taking in the Latina's appearance. "Also, I wanted to talk to you and let you know that if you need anything I'm here for you."

Santana might have felt like she was hit by a tractor trailer, but she couldn't miss the concern and love laced in the shorter girl's voice. "Do you wanna like come in or something?"

"Yes, I would actually because I don't want to have a conversation your front porch, as nice as it." Rachel said as Santana moved out of the way. "By the way, Lima Heights is a very nice neighborhood," she commented with a playful smirk.

"Okay, first off, if you're going to be here you can't talk that loud and secondly, you obviously know that I don't live in Lima Heights. I just tell people that so that they don't fuck with me, but mi abuela lives there," Santana grumbled sitting down on the couch. "So what'd you want to talk about?"

"I wanted to talk to you about what you said in the parking lot," Rachel said looking at the empty bottle on the floor. "When you said you loved me an-"

"Love, not loved, present tense," Santana corrected her gently.

"Love, present tense, I apologize." Rachel said. "But when you said that you love me and apologized for all the bad things. You left before I got the chance to speak."

"Yeah, well I figured I'd save myself the rejection," the Latina grumbled.

"Why would you think I'd reject you Santana? I was raised by two gay men so if you think I would reject you because you're a female, you are very mistaken," the shorter girl stated.

Jumping to her feet Santana started pacing the living room. "No, that's not why I thought you would reject me. You're dating Finnocence, remember?" She said venom lacing her voice. "Remember him? He's about 6'2", has man-boobs, every facial expression he has makes him look constipated. Finnocence. Your. Boyfriend." '_She needs to leave. I need to drink. I'll be fine as soon as she gets out of my house.'_ She thought as she continued to pace the living room.

"Yes I remember him Santana. I broke up with him as soon as you ran out of the auditorium!" Rachel yelled standing as she grabbed the empty Grey Goose bottle stomping her way to the kitchen.

"HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Santana screamed with a confused expression. "YOU CAN'T JUST GO THROUGH MY HOUSE LIKE YOU OWN IT!" She continued to scream as she followed Rachel's steps.

"I WAS THROWING YOUR PARENTS GARBAGE AWAY!" She screamed as she whirled around. 'How did we get to yelling?' She thought. "You would think that if you have children you would throw your empty liquor bottles away." Rachel murmured.

"Considering it's just me, no they wouldn't. And it wasn't theirs, so why don't you stop doing whatever you're doing." Santana snapped. "It's my house, so you have to listen to me. Now what do you mean you broke up with Frankenteen?"

"I broke up with him," she said as if it was the simplest thing in the world. "I realized how soulless he really is. He had no right to do that to you, Santana," the short brunette said as she took a step closer to the Latina. "If he really was a good guy, he would have never done that. He would have tried to help you with accepting yourself and being confident and comfortable," she finished taking Santana's hand.

Santana snorted and looked down. "If he was really a good guy, he wouldn't have treated you like shit while trying to decide whether he wanted to be with you or Q. He never apologized for his shit did he?" she asked while gently rubbing circles on the back of Rachel's hand. Glancing up, she saw Rachel shake her head no. "Didn't think so."

"Santana, what'd you mean when you said it was just you? I thought you had an older brother?"

Santana's eyes hardened. Pulling away she turned and headed for the living room. Finding her bottle from earlier she took a big swig. Sitting down on the couch she noticed Rachel watching her with worried look. Scoffing she took another drink and turned her head away from the girl. "If you're just going to stand there you can leave. If you still want to talk, then talk. Only about the parking lot though."

"How much have you drank Santana?" Rachel asked sitting on the chair diagonal from the couch. "It's a school night."

Whipping around she glared at the girl. "I told you if you wanted to talk it could only be about the parking lot. Don't worry about how much I've drank, also I'm not a child, I know it's a school night."

"I'm sorry, I'm jus- I'm just worried about you," Rachel said shifting in her seat. "Thank you for apologizing earlier," she quickly added before the Latina could berate her. "I really appreciate it and I also wanted to tell you that you didn't lose your chance, Santana. All you've got to do is ask." Standing up, she walked over the the girl and bent down to stare into her bloodshot eyes. "I'll be here in the morning to come get you for school. I have a strong feeling that you won't be up for driving. So expect me to be here at 7:45 sharp." Giving the taller girl a quick hug which was barely returned she turned and headed for the front door. Once she was gone, Santana sighed, took another drink and changed the channel on the t.v to a SiriusXm station.

**I got out of bed today, swear to God I couldn't see my face.**

** I got out of bed today staring at a ghost, who forgot to float away.**

** Didn't have all that much to say, wouldn't even tell me his own name.**

** Where'd my body go?**

_ '__Why'd Emilio have to go?'_ Santana thought taking another drink.

**Where oh where'd my body go?**

** Africa or Mexico?**

** Where oh where'd my body go?**

** Where'd my body go?**

_'And the jackass that made him leave?'_ Standing up she made her way over to the liquor cabinet to grab another bottle.

**Have you seen my ghost?**

** Staring at the ground?**

** Have you seen my ghost?**

** Sick of those goddamn clouds**

** Are you some kind of medicine man?**

** Cut the demons out of my head.**

Taking the bottle upstairs, Santana set her clock for 7:15 and sat down at the foot of the bed. Pulling out a box from under her bed she began looking through it. All her memories that she's been running from for the last 8 years came rushing back to her.

_'Thank you for taking out me out for ice cream Emilio,' said a 10 year old Santana._

_ 'No problem, hermana,' 17 year old Emilio Lopez smiled as he stopped at the light. 'How was your cotton candy flavor, good?'_

_ Santana beamed, 'It was amazing.' Emilio chuckled. Once the light turned green he started his driving again. What he didn't see was the silver Toyota Tacoma run their red light. He also didn't know it was heading straight towards the side of his yellow Mazda 6. _

_ May 15, 2003 at 4:30 in the afternoon Santana Lopez became an only child. May 15, 2003 Santana lost her best friend, her big brother to a drunk driver. He didn't even stop, he just back up and continued on his way like nothing happened._

Rubbing her eyes on the sleeve of her shirt, she put the box back under her bed and crawled up to the head. Curling up under the covers she clutched a framed picture from the last Christmas she had with Emilio and cried herself to sleep.

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_First the song is called Weighty Ghost by Wintersleep. The song was brought to my attention by TheChosenSlayer5by5. Okay, now...Oh my god, please don't kill me guys. I just woke up this morning and was struck with this idea. Sorry. Also, Emilio is mine. I do not own glee, blah blah blah. Thank you. Please review. Don't be to angry with me. _


	3. Taken From The World Tonight

_So, thank you to those who reviewed and to those who newly story alerted, thank you! Uhmm...Santos and Emelina Lopez belong to me. Thank you._

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_'Emilio, can we play outside?' asked 9 year old Santana excitedly._

_ 'Sure, hermana. What do you wanna play?' Emilio asked standing up from the couch._

_ 'Can we play tag?' she asked with wide overexcited eyes walking towards the back porch._

_ 'Sure. I'll be it first,' he said stepping off the back porch and waiting for his little sister._

_ 'You can't run really fast though,' she said looking at him with a critical eye and pout. 'If you do, you'll catch me for sure.'_

_ Chuckling Emilio started counting. '3...2...1...YOU BETTER RUN SAN!' he stated joyously._

_ Santana took off with a excited squeal. 5 minutes into the game Santana was chasing her brother through the yard. Rounding the tree house, her shoelace got caught on a root and she tripped. Emilio heard her fall rather than see, when he ran over to her, he knelt down and cradled the crying girl in his toned arms. _

_'Shh, mi hermana. It'll be okay, don't worry okay. I've got you. I'm gonna take you to the hospital, it looks like you broke your arm sweetie. Shhh, stop crying or you'll make yourself sick.' Emilio softly spoke rocking his baby sister in his arms._

Whimpering Santana squinted her eyes open and felt arms around her. Turning her head, she noticed it was Rachel Berry. Groaning she snuggled further into her pillow.

"What are you doing here Rachel?" Santana rasped out.

"I told you to expect me at 7:45," she said handing the Latina a glass of water. "Although, I figured you wouldn't have listened to me and so I came at 7:00, it's now 7:10. You should probably get a shower so that everyone at school doesn't realize that you spent half the afternoon drinking and possibly crying." Rachel stated standing up from the bed and going over to the walk-in closet. "While you're in the shower I'll get your uniform ready for you."

"Has anyone ever told you that you're probably the worst person to give someone a pep talk _ever?_" Santana mumbled as she threw the covers off her body and sat up against the headboard. "By the way how'd you get in here?"

"Your parents pulled in at the same time as me. They let me in when I told them that you agreed to ride to school with me." Rachel said poking her head out of the closet door.

"Did you tell them about last night?" Santana asked jumping up from the bed. Probably wasn't her best idea ever. It made her want to barf.

"No, I also told them that the reason you were riding to school with me was because we had a project to do for glee club," the shorter girl said finally coming out of the closet(no pun intended). "They seem like very nice people. I can tell you get your looks from your mother."

Holding her stomach Santana nodded. "Yeah, so listen give me like 20 minutes and I'll be good to go," she said heading towards her bathroom. "Also, thank you for, you know, not telling my parents about last night. I still have to talk to them about the whole me being a lesbian thing, so thanks," she said before she closed the bathroom door.

**'What the fuck? Why's she being so nice, like I didn't try to rip her a new one last night.'**

Rachel began walking around Santana's room. She saw pictures from high school, some of her and Brittany, some with Quinn. The person that was starring in more than half of the pictures though, were of Emilio and a younger Santana. They all looked like they stopped when Santana was 10, though.

_'Wonder what he does now?'_ Rachel thought, as she moved to sit on the bed. When she looked towards the head of the bed, she noticed a picture frame laying under the pillow. Pulling it out she saw that it was a picture of Santana and Emilio. It was clearly from some Christmas. Both were wearing matching smiles, Santana dangling from under Emilio's arm with a sock em bopper over one of her hands mid swing.

Santana walked out of her bathroom in her bra and panties and stopped as soon as she saw Rachel.

"What are you looking at?" Santana ground out.

Looking up Rachel's breath caught in her throat. Santana was gorgeous to say the least, she had a lean body, evenly tanned skin, a nicely shaped ass. She was pulled out of her staring by Santana clearing her throat.

"You know you should probably work on being more subtle with your ogling Berry. Some people might not take to kindly to it," Santana said with a smirk as she walked to her desk where Rachel sat her Cheerios uniform earlier. "I don't mind though. So now that you're done staring, mind telling me what it is that you're looking at?"

"Uhm, I was just looking at how fit you are. Is that all from cheerios?" Rachel stammered out.

Sighing Santana sat down beside Rachel. "I didn't mean looking at me Rachel. I meant the picture that you're looking at," Santana said nodding towards the picture.

"Oh, I apologize, I thought you were talking about me staring at you," the short girl said as she handed Santana the framed picture. "Is that your brother?"

Looking at the picture, Santana lets out a sigh and puts on a small smile. "Yeah, that's Emilio," she softly spoke. "Christmas 2002, you know that's the last Christmas I got to spend with him."

"Did he move after he graduated?" Rachel asked.

Shaking her head, the Latina took a deep breath. "No, he uh, he didn't graduate. He's never left Lima actually."

Nodding, Rachel looked at the picture again. "So, where's he at? I mean I haven't seen him since I moved here and you never talk about him."

Turning her body so that she could sit cross-legged on the bed Santana sat the picture on the table beside her bed. "I never talk about him because he," Santana paused unsure of how to say it. "Rachel my brother died in a car accident."

"I-I'm so sorry, Santana. I had no idea," Rachel said.

"It's alright, not many people our age do," Santana said taking Rachel's hand. "Besides you moved here about a year after it happened. He took me out for ice cream because my parents had to work a double at the hospital and he promised we could get ice cream and then go to the park," Santana said sniffling. "There was a drunk driver and he ran a red light. T-boned us. I hit my head on dashboard and was knocked out," wiping her eyes on her bed sheet she finally looked up at Rachel. "When I woke up I was in the hospital and my parents were sitting at my bedside."

_'Mami?' asked a groggy Santana._

_ 'Oh mija, you're awake. Santos, honey Santana's awake.' Emelina Lopez said with relief._

_ 'Mija, do you know where you are?' Santos Lopez said as he leaned forward and gently took his little girl's hand. _

_ 'Am I in the hospital? Because my room doesn't look like this. Where's Emilio?'_

_ 'Baby girl, what do you remember before you woke up?'_

_ 'Emilio took me to get ice cream and we were on our way to the park. Mami, where's Emilio?' Santana asked again, more upset._

_ 'Honey, when you were on the way to the park, you and your brother were in a car accident,' Santos said as he pushed a piece of hair out of Santana's face. 'Your brother, he didn't make it sweetie, he died as soon as the other vehicle hit the car.'_

"The guy apparently just backed up and left us there, didn't even get out of his truck to make sure we were okay. The cops found him a little later, his truck broke down about a mile from the state line, he was sleeping," Santana said with shaking shoulders. "He went to jail, he was sentenced to 10 years. He got out 5 years later, good behavior," she scoffed. "He killed my brother and only went to jail for 5 years. He lives in Cleveland, on probation."

"Santana, I'm so sorry, I'm not going to say I know what you're going through because I've never lost a sibling, but I can understand that it hurts." Rachel said with sympathetic eyes. "If you ever want to talk about it, you can call me or text me, even come over. I'll be here for you."

"Thanks, but it's whatever. It was 8 years ago, I've gotten over it and moved on," the Latina said distractedly. "We should probably go. It's 7:45 and we both have glee today."

School wasn't half as bad as Santana thought it would be, Rachel was with her all morning, mainly because she had the same classes,but still she was having a good day. That was until she was pulled into Principal Figgins' office. Mr. Shuester tried to get her expelled or some shit, she wasn't sure. She stopped paying attention when Finn said that she didn't slap him. He proceeded to tell her that he wanted The Troubletones to meet in the choir room. Kurt and Blaine sang to her, so did Puck, Quinn, Tina and Mike. Finn tried to sing her a song about how girls just want to have fun, but she wasn't having any of it, so she stopped him before he even got to the chorus. Then Rachel stood up.

"So, I know that we haven't really been on the best of terms, but I feel like we're getting there," Rachel said looking at Santana. "But I just want you to know that you're not alone and no matter what happens I'm always here for you and I can help you with _anything_ you need. I promise." She looked to the band as she sat on a stool and they started playing.

**Trouble is her only friend and he's back again, makes her body older than it really is. **

**She says it's high time she went away, no one's got much to say in this town. **

**Trouble is the only way down, down, down.**

**As strong as you were, tender you go.**

**I'm watching you breathing for the last time, a song for your heart, but when it is quiet,**

**I know what it means and I'll carry you home. **

Walking over to stand in front of the Latina she took her hand.

**I'll carry you home. If she had wings she would fly away, and another day God will give **

**her some. Trouble is the only way down, down, down.**

**As strong as you were, tender you go, I'm watching you breathing for the last time.**

**A song for your heart, but when it is quiet, I know what it means and I'll carry you home.**

**I'll carry you home.**

Wiping a stray tear off Santana's cheek, Rachel gave her a warm smile and turned to go back towards the front.

**And they were all born pretty in New York City tonight, and someone's little girl was **

**taken from the world tonight, under the stars and the stripes.**

**As strong as you were, tender you go. I'm watching you breathing for the last time.**

**A song for your heart, but when it is quiet, I know what it means and I'll carry you home**

**As strong as you were, tender you go. I'm watching you breathing for the last time.**

**A song for your heart, but when it is quiet, I know what it means and I'll carry you home**

**I'll carry you home.**

Santana stood from her seat and walked to the front of the choir room. Taking Rachel's hand she turned and faced the other glee club members. Noticing Finn's glare at the girl's conjoined hands, she cleared her throat.

"First I want to say thank you Finn, for that experience of listening to you, I can add that to the list of horrible crap that I've been through, thank you," Santana stated sarcastically. "Also Finn, I won't commit suicide, I'd miss me too much." Then she turned to Rachel. "Honestly though, you were amazing, so were you others guys, but what you said and sang really touched me and I'll try to be nicer to you and I'll remember that I'm not alone, I have you. Hopefully, in time, it'll be in more ways than one," she added quietly. Turning back towards the two glee clubs she put her arm around Rachel's shoulders and started speaking again. "So, I'm going to tell my parents tonight, but they shouldn't have a problem with anything and then I gotta tell mi abuela and that should be fine too. So to those of you that I actually can handle, thank you for your support," she said tightening her hold on Rachel's shoulders for a second.

How the fuck am I going to tell my grandmother?

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_R&R. Gently._


	4. Maybe A Great Magnet Pulls

_Yet again, thank you to everyone that is story alerting. No reviews this time around...I'm guessing that means people don't like it as much? Either way, I'm enjoying writing this, I'm also enjoying having TheChosenSlayer5by5 being my beta/idea helper. Makes things easier. I don't own glee, or Alma Lopez, if I did, Santana's grandmother would have ben proud of her for being true to herself. :)_

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Pulling into the driveway, Santana noticed that both of her parents cars were there. Sighing, she turned to Rachel.

"Thanks for making sure I got up this morning and giving me a ride," she said taking in the shorter girl's features. '_She really is beautiful,' she thought. _"Also, thank you for everything today, the song, the little speech, especially for sticking by my side all day. It means a lot to me," she finished scratching the back of her neck.

"It's really no problem, Santana," Rachel replied looking at the Latina's house. "I already told you multiple times, I'm here for you," she said turning her head back to Santana. "Do you want me to come with you or are you fine? I distinctly remember you telling the glee clubs that you were going to talk to them tonight?"

Groaning, Santana thought about it for a second, "Yeah, I figured that I might as well tell them BEFORE they see it on t.v, it should make things a little bit easier."

Nodding her head Rachel leaned over the console and gave the Latina a tight hug, "If things don't turn out the best and you need a place to stay tonight, don't hesitate, you can stay with me," she whispered in the taller girl's ear. Pulling out of the hug, she gave Santana a smile, "So, I'll see you tomorrow?"

Returning the smile, she nodded. "Yeah, but maybe I can pick you up? I mean it seems like it's only fair and since Finnept teamed up with Shue and Shelby, we have "LADY WEEK" together so it wouldn't be a problem. I mean I do have cheerios tomorrow after school, but that's only for an hour, so if you want you can work on scales or something. Or you know what you probably don't want to hang around the school for any longer than you have to, so don't worry about it," Santana rambled.

"San, it's fine. I actually need to go over some stuff with the band and Brad, so I would love a ride," Rachel said blushing and looking at her steering wheel.

"Alright, well I should probably go inside now," she said with a small smile. "Don't want to keep you here any longer than necessary and I need to talk to my parents."

"Okay, see you tomorrow?"

"Promise,7:30?"

"That's fine. See you later Santana Lopez."

Getting out of the car, Santana pulled her backpack over her shoulder and took the few steps to the front door. Turning and waving back to Rachel, she took a deep breath. Opening the door, she looked around for her parents.

"Mami? Papi? Are you guys here?" She hollered from the living room.

"Si mija, we're in the kitchen," Santos replied. "Come in here, we're just finishing up din-oh there you are. How was school Santi?"

Sitting down at the island, she looked at her parents. "It was alright, you know I don't need to go school, I'm smarter than all of them anyways," she finishing with a smirk.

"Now, now San, don't go making people think that you're a hot shot, even though you are," Emelina chuckled hugging her daughter to her side. "Is there anything exciting going on? I feel like we haven't seen you in a few days, we didn't even see you this morning, except your friend Rachel. How's your project for glee club?"

_This is it...this is my opening. Breathe and exhale. _"Actually, Mami, Papi, there's something I need to talk to you about," she said fiddling with a napkin.

"What is it mija? Are you okay?" Santos said taking a seat beside his daughter. Emelina sat on the stool on the other side, taking Santana's hand.

"I'm fine," she spoke softly, looking down at the marble island top. "I just, there's something I need to tell you before you see it or hear it from someone else." Taking a breath and wiping away a stray tear she looked at both of her parents. _'This is going to kill them. They've already been through enough, hell, I've been through enough. Here it goes.' _"Mami, Papi, I-I lo-love girls. Well, one parti-particular girl, but I love her. Mami, I love her the way you love Papi," Santana said looking at her mother. "I don't want to disappoint you, either of you," she continued looking at her father. "I just, I can't keeping lying to you and to myself."

"Santana Pepita, usted no podria nunca nos defraudara," Santos said taking his crying daughter into his strong arms. "Your mother and I love you no matter what," he softly stated kissing his daughters temple.

"Santi, what makes you think that you would disappoint us?" Emelina gently prodded.

"I just," Santana snuggled further into her father. "I remember what it was like with Emilio," she mumbled into her father's shoulder. "You guys were so proud of him and I just want you to be proud of me," she said lifting her head off of her father and looking at the counter.

"Amorcito, estamos tan orgullosos de ustedes. La persona que has convertido en es este sorprendente joven y cualquier chica que suerte tenerte," her mother said wiping her daughter's tears. "Now why don't you tell us about this one particular girl that has your heart. You were smiling from ear to ear when you said it."

Wiping her nose on the handkerchief that her father held up for her, she repositioned herself on her father's lap so that she could look at both of them(technically she's leaning sideways against the counter both legs hanging in between her parents). "Well, you met her this morning. Her name is Rachel Berry, but I'm sure she already told you both that because she's freakishly nice and polite. She's in all of my classes and we use to be in glee together, until this one girl, her name's Sugar, she's new this year and Mr. Shue turned her down because she couldn't really sing, but she's not too bad now, but that's only because her dad paid to have a new glee club and the coach is so much better than Mr. Shue, but they needed leads, so I left New Directions to become a lead for them, their name is The Troubletones," she rambled. "She's in like 16 different clubs at school and she's got this amazing voice, it's just so big for her little body," she continued with a huge smile.

Chuckling her father wrapped his arms around her, "So does she know that you have feelings for her? Or are you admiring her from afar?"

"Well, I kind of screamed it at her as I was trying to come home the other day. I was also crying a lot, so I mean if she understood what I was saying then yes, but she hasn't really said anything to me about it," she said looking down at her hands.

"Well, if it's helpful to your ego, when we met her this morning, she spoke highly of you," her mother stated. Chuckling she stood up from her stool and went over to finish what was left of dinner. "She had those lovestruck eyes, so I'd say it's extremely likely that she has some sort of feelings for you as well."

Tightening his arms around Santana, Santos stood up and lightly tossed Santana over his shoulder. "Need any help finishing up in here, mi amor?"

"No, if you two would like to set the table though, that would be great," Emelina said turning to look at her family. "And put her down Santos, I don't want my baby girl getting sick before dinner."

Santana giggled as her father set her down. As her father turned to grab the plates she stuck her finger in her mouth and gathered a glob of saliva. In a flash, she stuck her finger in his ear and grabbed the utensils and skipped into the dining room with a shit eating grin. Santos just stood there in shock for a moment.

"SANTANA PEPITA, SE QUE NO SOLO ME DIERON A UN WILLY MOJADO!"

"Si, Papa! Te amo," she said sweetly sticking her head into the kitchen. Santos and Emelina just laughed.

After dinner Santana went to see her grandmother and tell her the truth as well. She was hoping this one would go just as well, but she didn't think she was going to be as lucky.

"Santana, you're all bones. Like Jesus on the cross," Alma said as she brought her a plate. "Eat."

"Abuelita, I have something I want to talk to you abou-"

"Okay, okay, talk with your mouth full huh?" she said turning around.

"No, n-nonono, come on," Santana said walking up to her grandmother and putting her hands on her shoulders. "Sentarse, come on."

"Okay, okay,"

Sitting down Santana started speaking again, "Look," taking a second to breath, "I have to tell you a secret. A secret that I've kept hidden for a long time."

"You need salsa?"

"No no no no no no, sucha mi, please," she stopped her, looking at her she started again. "You're so special to me."

"Santana are you pregnant?" Alma asked pointing her finger. "Because I will beat you up with this chair."

"No, I- it's not that. It's just that I've watched you my whole life and you've always been so strong. Done exactly what you believe and never cared what anyone else thought of you."

"Tell me about your life," Alma said. "I know mine."

"Abuelita,I love girls the way that I'm supposed to feel about boys. It's just something that's always been inside of me and I really want to share it with you because I love you so much. I want you to know me, who I really am. When I'm with Rachel, I finally understand what people are talking about when they talk about love. I've tried so hard to push this feeling away and keep it locked inside, but every day just feels like a war. And I walk around so mad at the world, but I'm really just fighting with myself. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm just too tired. I have to just be me," she said. After a few seconds she continued. "Say something, please?"

"Everyone has secrets, Santana," her grandmother finally said. "They are called secrets for a reason. I want you to leave this house, I don't ever want to see you again."

"Abuela, you you"

"Go, NOW!" she stated forcefully.

"I'm the same person I was a minute ago," Santana said.

"You made your choice. Now I have made mine."

"Ab-why?"

Taking a deep breath her grandmother started speaking, looking at the table. "It is very selfish of you to make me uncomfortable en mi casa. It isn't in the thing it's in the scandal when people talk about it aloud."

"So you're saying, it would have been better if I had kept this a secret?"

Alma just gave her a critical eye, stood up and started walking away.

"Abuela?" Santana breathed out. She didn't stop, just kept walking. And Santana cried because she knew this wouldn't be okay.

When Santana got home she went straight to her room, didn't drink, just went to her room and cried. When she woke up in the morning, she remembered that she promised Rachel she would pick her up for school. Good thing she woke up at 7, she needed to make sure nobody noticed the dark circles under her eyes. And the puffiness. And the fact that they were bloodshot from crying most of the night. Her parents came in about 20 minutes after she got home, held her until she fell asleep, and for a little while after that as well.

_'God, I have amazing parents. I should do something nice for them soon,' she thought._

By the time she was finished getting ready and looking normal, it was 7:20. Good thing Rachel only lives 5 minutes away. When she got to Rachel's, she asked her how it went with her parents, which she told her about. Rachel was glad that they were so supportive. Santana decided it was okay to tease her a little bit. So she made a little comment about how she spoke highly of her. Something like "So word on the street is that you speak very highly of me to my parents, wonder if it's true or were you just doing that to get on their good side so that you can steal my innocence?" Let's just say Rachel almost choked on her bottle of water and Santana had to pat her back for a few minutes, but she was blushing.

_'So that's a good thing. Maybe Mami was right,' Santana thought._

After the teasing, she told her about her grandmother and how she disowned her.

"The thing is I knew it would happen," Santana said as they sat down at their table in first period. "And once she sees that commercial she's going to flip her shit."

"But the good thing is your parents are being super supportive of you. So, as much as it hurts that your grandmother isn't okay with it, you still have your parents, you have The Troubletones, New Directions and you have me," Rachel said taking Santana's hand that was resting on her thigh. "As long as you know you aren't alone everything will work out in the end," she said squeezing the Latina's hand for emphasis. When Shelby walked into the room to sub for the day, Rachel tried to take her hand back, but Santana gripped it tighter and wouldn't let go. Rachel turned her head to see if the Latina needed something else, but when she did all Santana did was pull out a pen and write on the top of her hand.

_Even in the darkest phase be it thick or thin. Always someone marches brave, here beneath my skin. _After she finished writing she then drew a heart on the inside of Rachel's wrist and wrote again. _-I meant what I said. I love you. _She then released the shorter girl's hand and began taking notes. Rachel just looked at her with her signature Rachel Berry mega watt smile and blushed when she was caught.

* * *

_R&R. Please. Oh also, the spanish...I used bing...sorry if its wrong but here's what it's suppose to say. _**Santana Pepita, usted no podría nunca nos defraudará-Santana Pepita(her middle name),you could never disappoint us.**

**Amorcito, estamos tan orgullosos de ustedes. La persona que has convertido en es este sorprendente joven y cualquier chica que suerte tenerte.-Sweetie, we are so proud of you. The person you've become is this amazing young woman and any girl would lucky to have you. **

**Santana Pepita, sé que no sólo me dieron a un willy mojado!-Santana Pepita, I know you did not just give me a wet willy!**


	5. The World Is Coming Down On Me

_So an update for both stories before the end of the night...gotta be the end of the world. Anyways, hopefully you all like this chapter. I enjoyed writing it. It's shorter than the last few, but I feel like I got some stuff in there._

* * *

By the time lunch rolled around Santana was on a high. Rachel didn't seem to shy away from her advances, she even flirted back. When Santana took Rachel's books from her hand, she simply blushed and mumbled a thank you.

"So, I have a question," Santana said linking her arm with Rachel's as they made their way to the cafeteria.

"What would that be Miss. Lopez?" Rachel asked with a smile.

"What are your plans for tonight?"

"I actually don't have any plans. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I figured if you weren't busy we could go to dinner or something that people do on dates. I mean, that is if you want to. If not, it can totally just be a 'thank you for being awesome when I needed you the most' type of dinner thing."

Looking at the 'Friday Fun Day Surprise' Rachel scrunched her face up. Turning to look at Santana she smiled.

"So, are you asking me out on a date or are you asking me to dinner as friends?" she asked. "Because I like knowing where I stand with people before I go agre-"

"A Date," Santana practically yelled cutting her off. "Sorry. I'm asking you out on a date." She stated more softly, glaring at the few people in front of Rachel that turned to look at them, one being Finn Hudson. "Nothing to see here, turn around Fetus Face! The line is moving, unless you need to go the pee-pee room. You look a bit constipated."

"Dirty slut," he mumbled under his breath.

"Yeah, nice try Hamburgler Finn. I heard you. You should probably try being a little more quiet next time. By the way, I'm not a slut, oh and you know what? I'm not dirty either. Just because Rachel finally saw what a douchebag you really are and I didn't buy your 'LADY MUSIC WEEK' thing, doesn't mean that you have the right to continue to be a douchebag. Just thought you should know. Now, we would like to get our eats on. Continue. Moving. Up. The. Line!"

Scoffing, he turned and started up the line again. Once to the cashier, he started talking again. "You know, she's not even gay Santana. Just because you're a dyke doesn't mean every girl is." And with that he went over to the football table.

Narrowing her gaze, she grabbed a bottle of juice and paid for Rachel's and her lunch. Rachel of course tried to protest, but a hard glare her way made her go quiet. Going over to the glee table, she plopped down, and started eating. Sighing Rachel sat next to her.

"He doesn't know what he's talking about. My parents taught me to love the person, not the gender," she said taking a bite of her salad. "Also, I'd love to go on a date with you, Santana." Santana choked on her chicken parm. Taking a big drink of her juice she turned and stared at Rachel.

"You had to say that when I was taking a bite of my food?"

"Yes, I did. Now, would you like to acknowledge the fact that I just said I'd go on a date with you or not?"

"Oh, right. Sorry. You caught me off guard. I'm sorry. But uh, you want to go on a date with me? Even if you'll get the backlash of being seen with a 'dirty slut' or 'dyke'?"

"Yes Santana. Because like you said, you're not a dirty slut and Finn is just homophobic, no matter what he says, he is. So, you'll pick me up?"

"Yeah, how does 8 sound?"

"That's fine with me."

"Rachy! You're going on a date with San?" Brittany said joyously as she sat down across from Rachel.

"Uhm, yes I am Brittany. Is that alright?" she said looking to Santana uncertain of whether or not she was okay with it.

"Yeah, totally. I mean, Sanny and I aren't together anymore. So if you make her happy then I'm happy," she said happily and she took a bite of her pb&j. "Sanny where are taking her?" she asked with her mouth full.

"Swallow Britt-Britt, swallow." Santana said handing the blonde a napkin. "And I can't say, I mean she's sitting right here," she said motioning towards the short brunette. Rachel rolled her eyes.

"Considering I am sitting right here, maybe you shouldn't talk like I'm not. By the way, you should probably remember that I'm vegan."

"Right, totally remembered that."

The rest of the day went by pretty smoothly, minus the glares Finn was giving Santana and the way Mr. Shue kind of gave her a questioning look everytime he saw her. By the time glee rolled around Santana walked into the choir room because they were still doing 'LADY MUSIC WEEK' Mr. Shue and Finn were standing by the piano speaking with hushed whispers, while everyone else, including Shelby had a raised eyebrow looking at the two. As Rachel took a seat by Tina and Mike, Santana pulled a chair from the riser above down by Rachel and sat. She didn't like the way Shue glance her way when she did that, she also didn't like it that Finn was glaring at her and started whispering more. Her eyebrow raised when she distinctly heard her name come out of Shue's mouth. She was pissed now.

"Hey honeys, can we start the last day of this dreadful 'LADY MUSIC WEEK'?" she said with attitude. "Some of us have things to do tonight. So, if we start that'd be great."

"Yeah Mr. Shue. I have a song I want to sing for the assignment," Brittany said happily from the chair she was perched in.

"Alright, Brittany, you can come on up. And Santana, watch the attitude."

Discreetly rolling her eyes, she nodded.

"Okay, so I know that Finn said he wanted to do this to make you happy, but really it was just because he doesn't want people to see him as the bad guy."

"Brittany!"

"So anyways," she continued as if she wasn't interrupted. "I know that you've gone through a lot in the last like decade San, but you're just growing your roots. Because like the song says you have to find yourself, but before you can do that you have to have roots first. So this is just to remind you that it's just a stepping stone in your life."

With that she sat down on the stool and nodded for the band to start.

**So many things to do and say****  
****I can't seem to find my way****  
****But I wanna know how****  
****I know I'm meant for something else****  
****But first I gotta find myself****  
****But I don't know how****Oh why do I reach for the stars****  
****When I don't have wings to carry me that far?****  
****  
****I gotta have roots before branches****  
****To know who I am****  
****Before I know who I wanna be****  
****And faith to take chances****  
****To live like I see****  
****A place in this world for me****Sometimes I don't wanna feel****  
****And forget the pain is real****  
****Put my head in the clouds****  
****Oh start to run and then I fall****  
****Seein' I can't get it all****  
****Without my feet on the ground****There's always a sea before there's a rose****  
****The more that it rains the more I will grow****I gotta have roots before branches****  
****To know who I am****  
****Before I know who I wanna be ****  
****And faith to take chances****  
****To live like I see****  
****A place in this world for me****  
****  
****Whatever comes I know how to take it****  
****Learn to be strong I won't have to fake it****  
****Oh you're understandin'****  
****Oh but when you come and do it best****  
****There ain't nothin' stoppin' east to west****  
****But I'll still be standing, I'll be standing****I gotta have roots before branches****  
****To know who I am****  
****Before I know who I wanna be****  
****And faith to take chances****  
****And live like I see****  
****A place in this world for me****I gotta have roots before branches****  
****To know who I am****  
****Before I know who I wanna be****  
****And faith to take chances****  
****And live like I see****  
****A place in this world for me****I gotta have roots before branches****  
****Ohh yeahh**

When she finished she bounced over to Santana and hugged her. Then she hugged Rachel and whispered in her ear. "Just remember that she's broken Rachy, I couldn't fix her, but you can." With that she went back to her seat. Once everyone finished clapping, Shelby asked if anybody else had anything. Santana's hand shot up.

"I do," she said standing from her seat. "I figured since Fetus Face went to all the trouble of getting this assignment, that I should do something for it," she said going over to the band and seeing if they could play that song, then she went to Brad and told him. Once everything was in order, she took a seat on the stool that Brittany had ejected herself from and cleared her throat before the band started.

**I never thought that  
You would be the one to hold my heart  
But you came around  
And you knocked me off the ground from the start**

**You put your arms around me**  
**And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go**  
**You put your arms around me and I'm home**

**How many times will let you me change my mind and turn around**  
**I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown**

**I hope that you see right through my walls**  
**I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling**

**I'll never let a love get so close  
You put your arms around me and I'm home**

**The world is coming down on me**  
**And I can't find a reason to be loved**  
**I never wanna leave you**  
**But I can't make you bleed if I'm alone**

**You put your arms around me**  
**And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go**

**I hope that you see right through my walls**  
**I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling**  
**I'll never let a love get so close**  
**You put your arms around me and I'm home**

**I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth**  
**And I've never opened up**  
**I've never truly loved 'till you put your arms around me**  
**And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go**

**I hope that you see right through my walls**  
**I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling**  
**I'll never let a love get so close**

**You put your arms around me and I'm home**

**You put your arms around me and I'm home**

* * *

_R&R. The songs don't belong to me. The first one is obviously Roots before Branches by Room for Two. And the second is Arms by Christina Perri. _


	6. Maybe I Should Kill Myself

_So, here's another chapter. Yay...or not yay depending on if you actually like my stories. And sorry it's not as long as the other chapters have been. Uhhh...italics are flashback and the bold is either a thought if so it's_ **'bold'** if not it's just something else, something I can't say what it is... it'll be **bold.**_**  
**_

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Quietly making her way up the stairs as to not wake her parents, Santana opened the new bottle of Grey Goose she managed to get from Puck. She didn't know how he did it, but she didn't care. As long as she replaced the bottles she used, she was in the clear. Closing her door, she kicked off her shoes and sat the bottle down on her table. Making her way to the closet she pulled her dress off and grabbed a pair of sweats and threw on a tank top. Grabbing the bottle and moving to the bed she flopped down. Sighing she took a drink and winced at the burn, just what she needed.

**'What the fuck is wrong with people? I mean did we put off the vibe that we were on a date? Or was it that damn commercial? I bet that's what it was. It doesn't matter, I'm not going on another date ever.'**

_'Here's your bill, miss,' the waitress said stiffly, setting the bill down on the table and walking away._

_ 'She's so not getting a tip,' Santana said as she picked up the bill. 'She didn't even ask if we needed refills or a doggy bag. I should call the manager or something. She was a bitch,' she finished with a furrowed brow. _

_ 'What's wrong Santana?' Rachel asked noticing the girl's facial expression. _

_ 'Uh, nothing. I was just thinking about something,' she lied. _

_ 'Are you sure?'_

_ 'Yeah. Everything's fine. Don't worry about it. Are you ready to go?' she asked._

_ 'Yes. Is it alright if I use the bathroom first?'_

_ 'Yeah, that's fine. Just meet me up front alright? I'm gonna go pay the bill.'_

_ Walking up towards the front Santana kept reading the words on the bill over and over again. Handing it over to the hostess along with her card, she chewed on her __lip. Taking the pen and signing the slip, she crumbled up the one they returned to her. Walking over to the door, she went outside and waited. Five minutes later Rachel walked out._

_ 'Sorry it took so long, there was a line. You okay?'_

_ 'Yeah, I'm fine. Why do you keep asking me that?' Santana snapped._

_ 'Sorry, it's just you have this really pensive look on your face, like you're thinking about something. I apologize. I won't ask anymore.'_

_ Rubbing her hand over her face, Santana sighed. 'No, I'm sorry. You're just being you, making sure I'm good. I shouldn't have snapped at you.'_

_ 'It's no problem, really.'_

_ 'Right, so I guess I should probably get you home. It's almost curfew, I wouldn't want either Mr. Berry to be upset with me.' _

_ The drive back to Rachel's was quiet. Slow and quiet. Given it was only a ten minute drive and there were things they could have talked about, they didn't talk. Santana was too wrapped up in her mind and Rachel was afraid that if she said anything then Santana would snap again. This is so not how Rachel wanted the night to end. She thought they were having a good time. Pulling into the Berry driveway, Santana parked the car and put her forehead against the steering wheel. _

_ 'I'm sorry that I'm being such a bitch. This isn't exactly how I wanted the date to go,' Santana mumbled, head buried in the wheel. _

_ 'It's fine Santana, I'm sure you have a lot on your mind,' Rachel softly spoke. 'That doesn't change the fact that it was very lovely date.'_

_ 'Even if it was just Breadstix?' she said looking up from the steering wheel towards Rachel's house._

_ 'Yes, even if it was just Breadstix. You actually talked to me about things that interest me as well, not just stuff that makes you happy. Finn never did that. I listened to him talk about football more than I could have cared for.'_

_ 'Alright, well your tall father is peeking out the window so I'll talk to you tomorrow or something.'_

_ 'Yeah, I mean unless you want to come in for a little bit?' Rachel said with hope in her eyes._

_ Sighing Santana shook her head. 'No, it's getting late and my parents are off work tonight. I don't want them to worry that something's happened to me, they've had enough of that in their life.'_

_ 'I understand. Will you text me when you get home?'_

_ 'Yeah, I'll text you.'_

_ Opening her door, Rachel started getting out. 'Goodnight Santana.'_

_ 'Night, Rachel.'_

Growling, she stood up and went over to her closet again. Grabbing the slip out of her purse, she returned to the bed and smoothed it out. Looking at the words over and over again she took another big drink. It didn't matter anyways, it was Friday night and she didn't have to get up early. One thing about the bill that pissed her off was it was easily 30 bucks over how much it should have been and secondly what the waitress wrote on it made her stomach churn.

**You should have died in that car accident. You're a disgrace to the world.**

Putting her ear buds in she turned the volume up and continued her binge. A few blocks over Rachel Berry was sitting in bed wondering what shifted towards the end of their date. She couldn't think of anything. She didn't think she had done anything wrong. Sighing she climbed under the duvet and stared at the ceiling.

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_R&R. Uhhh...thanks for all the alerts and favorites and reviews that I recieved and if you reviewed on Breathe Me...Thank you soo much. I'm super pumped that you guys like it._


	7. My both feet didn't take this path

_Oh my god...another chapter. Yes! Also, the reviews I recieved from the last chapter...don't worry, a smackdown will happen in a chapter. Just can't tell you which one. Also the bold...is lyrics._

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Slowly making her way to the kitchen, Santana rolled her eyes at herself.

_'Of course, they don't have to work today. Fuck. Hopefully they don't see that I'm nursing a hangover.'_

"Morning, Mami," she murmured as she sat down at the island.

"Morning Santana Pepita." her mother said. _'Oh shit. I'm in trouble.' _"You don't look so good mija. You okay?"

"Uh, yeah I just went to bed pretty late last night, that's all," she lied.

"Oh, okay," her mother said easily. "Would you like some brunch?"

"Brunch?"

"Yes, brunch Santi," Santos said turning from the stove. "It's 11 in the morning, to late for breakfast, but too soon for lunch," he stated putting some fruit salad with limoncello and then some crepes on three plates. "The crepes should help with your hangover if you don't douse them in syrup."

"Than-wait what?"

"Your hangover Santi," Emelina stated from her seat. "I went in your room this morning to get your dirty clothes, since you never seem to be able to bring them down on your own, when low and behold you're room is a mess," she said taking a bite of her crepe. Taking the time to make Santana sweat, she chews slowly and swallows. "So, anyways, I decided that I would pick up some of the stuff on the floor, since if it's on the floor it must be dirty. Then I noticed something in your room that shouldn't be in there. Can you guess what it was?"

"Uhm, uh, a bottle?" Santana stammered lamely.

"Uhm, uh, yes a bottle. It was a bottle of vodka. Half gone, now I know it shouldn't have been half gone because your father just bought it last week," her mother said getting angry. "Santana, why? Why on earth would you be drinking? Don't you know that you can get alcohol poisoning if you drink too much? I honestly don't even understand why you would think it's okay for you to drink."

"Mami, I'm sorry, I just, I had a long day and it's not like I drank the whole thing, and I went outside of the house," Santana said looking down at her plate.

"That's not the point Santana," her father cut in. "You're not old enough to drink. Maybe if you took one drink, it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but you drank half the bottle," he continued, less angry than his wife, more concerned. "What happened? I mean I thought you had a date with Rachel?"

Letting out a frustrated groan, Santana looked to her father. "I did, Papi. It just, it didn't turn out how I wanted it to and I just, I couldn't shake it off."

"What happened Santi?"

"I think that ad was aired or something. Cause someone gave me dirty looks," she told them, obviously lying. _'I can't tell them about the bill, they'd go crazy. I just want to forget it happened.'_

"Someone gave you dirty looks? Where was this at mija?" Emelina asked wrapping an arm around her daughter.

"Breadstix," Santana mumbled. "But it's whatever, I'm over it."

"Santi, if you drink every time somebody gives you dirty looks or a judging look, it won't give you a good outcome. It'll just cause you more problems than you need. Alcohol is very addictive, sweetheart," her mother said rubbing her arm. "And if you do that, one day you could decide that you're not drunk or that you can still make conscious decisions and go to the store. You know what could happen if you did that."

"I know alright," Santana snapped. She was done with this conversation. "I'm not hungry. If you want to punish me don't worry, I'll be in my room," she said shoving her stool away from the island and shrugging her mother's arm off her. "I'll even sit my phone and laptop out in the hall for you," she finished venom lacing her voice. Storming out of the room she didn't even listen to her father telling her to come back. Hearing the sound of her door slam shut, only to open a few moments later and slam again, Santos sighed.

"Maybe you shouldn't have gone that far," Santos said to his wife.

"You can't be serious Santos," Emelina said with disbelief. "I'm concerned for our daughter and I don't want her to make mistakes that could give another family the same tragedy that we've gone through."

"I know that. I'm concerned as well," he said looking to the ceiling. Hearing something shatter he winced. "I'm going to go talk to her before she destroys her entire room. I'll be right back," he said kissing his wife's cheek.

Making his way up the stairs he winced again. _'Definitely a lamp.' _Coming to a stop at his heated daughter's room he saw the cell phone and laptop sitting on the floor. Rolling his eyes, he picked both up and tucked them under his arm. Knocking on the door, he spoke. "Santi, can I come in?"

"Obviously you can do whatever you want," Santana yelled from the other side. "It's your house."

Turning the knob and pushing the door open a crack he surveyed the surroundings. 1 broken lamp, 1 little coffee table flipped over,1 broken picture frame and multiple little things thrown around the room. Pushing the door open the rest of the way he waved the laptop and phone as a white flag.

Scoffing Santana threw herself on the bed. "If you're using those as bargaining chips, it won't work," she said shoving her balled up hand under her pillow. _'No need for him to see that paper.'_

"I'm not using them as bargaining chips mija," he said standing by the bed. "Can I sit?"

"Sure," she said with an eye roll.

"You can have your phone and your laptop," he said sitting them down at the foot of the bed. "And you're not grounded, even though you probably should be."

"Why not?" she asked with a raised brow. "Under normal circumstances, parents would ground their child for drinking, especially drinking half a bottle of Grey Goose."

"Yes, well we don't have normal circumstances Santi," he said looking at the side of his daughter's face. "We haven't had normal circumstances for eight years and I know your mother and I haven't exactly been around. I apologize for that, you should have your parents here for you, especially when you're going through such terrible things."

"Like being outed to the entire state of Ohio?" Santana sarcastically replied.

"Watch your attitude, Santana Pepita," he warned. "And yes, like being outed to the entire state of Ohio, but more importantly, dealing with losing your brother."

"I don't want to talk about it," she said standing from the bed. "It's been eight years, I'm over it."

"Obviously you're not, not when you're up here throwing things, breaking things and then shutting me out when I even mention your brother."

"I said I don't want to talk about," she snapped.

"I also told you to watch the attitude," he said calmly. "Obviously you didn't listen to that. Santi, you can't keep everything locked up inside of you. It's not a healthy way of dealing with your past, even your present."

Flipping on her iHome, she sat down at her desk. "I'm fine."

"Santana, turn it off."

"No," she said defiantly, turning it up.

"Santana! Turn it off," Santos said. Now he was just annoyed.

"Why should I? I said I was fine and I said I didn't want to talk about it, but you aren't listening to me, so why should I listen to you?"

**Used to worry for each other, no one's bothered like before. We sleep with each others friends. Sneak around, fall apart, and come back for more. We sit around drinking tables, stabilized and keeping score, but my mind is somewhere out the door.**

"That's because you're acting like a child, I just want to have a civilized conversation with my 18 year old daughter," he said standing from the bed.

**Oh we have grown, maybe I've overstayed awhile. In my time in exile and oh time has flown. And the only thing I've learned, I want a life now of my own. We go to clubs, the songs are old, the evenings blown. Go our ways and take taxis home. Talk of Sunday outings and medicate to fight the doubting, but know we'll always be alone.**

"The only reason I'm being like this is because I don't want to talk to you," she sneered. "Are you like this with your patients?"

**We have grown, I've overstayed awhile in my time in exile and oh time has flown. And the only thing I've learned, I want a life now of my own, of my ****own.**

"No, Santana I'm not. This is the last time I'm going to say this and this time you better listen to me. Watch your attitude. I am your father and you shouldn't talk to me like that. It's rude and it's disrespectful," he said turning her chair around to face him.

**That's my year spent in exile, second guessed and dressed up in tatters. My both feet didn't take this path and I'm still looking for a life that matters. More than chit-chat, we listen to the streets. We're all deadbeats and these old habits are starting to show through. Sorry I didn't get to know you.**

Bending her head down, she looked to the floor.

**Oh, time has flown, I've overstayed awhile, in my time in exile and oh we have grown. The only thing I've learned, I want a life now of my own. Bye bye, to the friends I've known. In my time in exile.**

Kneeling on the floor, Santos bent his head until he could see his daughter's face. Trying to turn away, he gently cupped her chin so she couldn't. "Santi, don't you see that this is eating you up? You're crying mija," he softly spoke. "It's just me. I'm not going to judge you, I just want you to be happy," he said gently wiping some tears.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I just don't want to deal with it."

"Why?" he asked with unshed tears. He hated seeing his family so fragile.

"Because then it's real," she whispered. "Because then I have to accept it and I don't want to, Papi, I don't want to accept the fact that my brother died and I didn't."

"Mija, I understand. I pushed it to the back of my mind for the longest time, but eventually I had to deal with it," he said pulling her over to the bed. "It started to take it's toll on my marriage, I had to make a decision, deal with it or lose my family. Your mother and I have already lost one child, we don't want to lose another," he said sitting down by the head of the bed, Santana leaning into his side. "Your mother and I are here for you, if you want to talk about your brother or the fact that another student was being a pendejo, that's what we're here for."

"So you're not mad?"

"Mad about what mija?"

"That I drank your vodka, made my room a battlefield and was disrespectful to you and mami?"

"We weren't mad that you drank, we were concerned. We still are," he said pressing a kiss to the crown of her head. "As for your room, whatever you broke is replaceable. Being disrespectful though, that's a whole other story. While you shouldn't talk to your parents the way you have this morning, I'm not mad, I'm annoyed, your mother isn't mad either. Like I said, she's concerned. You're a teenager Santana, yes you are 18, but you're still a teenager, you're allowed to have your moments."

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright, as long as you don't do it again," he said standing, pulling his daughter with him. "I think you should apologize to your mother."

"I will, can we go downstairs? I'm actually hungry," Santana said sheepishly.

Chuckling, Santos took a look at his daughter and shook his head. "Sure mija," he said wrapping an arm around her waist and lifting her up over his shoulder. "But you're going like this."

Laughing, Santana didn't fight it, just patted her father's back repositioned herself so her stomach was smushed on his shoulder. "Let's go Papi, we needs to get our eats on."

What Santana didn't see was her father pull the paper out from under her pillow. What he's her father he noticed. He just didn't know what was so private about it that she would hide it. Boy was he in for a treat.

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_R&R. Did I give you a cliffy? I'm sorry. Let me know how this goes, alright? Also...the lyrics are in there because when she turned the ihome on that's what came on...it's background music...also the song is called..."My time in exile" it's by third eye blind...awesome song. awesome band. awesome title for this story!_


	8. I Won't Give Up On Us

_So here's the next chapter. Uhm...hopefully this gives you guys that are mad about the bill some happiness. Thank you for the reviews. Also thank you to Dmik33 for unknowingly giving me a line in this chapter. TheChosenSlayer5by5 for still believing in me and giving me the piece of mind in knowing that I am doing justice to this story, although if I'm not you guys should tell me. I think she was just being nice. :)_

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**You should have died in that car accident. **

_'Where the fuck is that slip?'_ Santana thought as she tore the pillows off her bed. Ripping the sheets off, she still couldn't find it. _'I swear to fucking God, I put in it under my pillow. Maybe it's on the floor.' _She got down on her hands and knees and started looking under the bed. Nothing. "Fuck."

Sitting in their home office, Santos and Emelina looked at the balled up paper.

"Santos, should we really do this? I mean what if it's just a useless piece of paper," Emelina said looking from the paper to her husband.

"Probably not, but she doesn't talk to us about anything, the first actual conversation we had was when she came out to us, but that was only because of that damn ad," he said. "If that wouldn't have happened, I have high suspicions that she wouldn't have told us."

"So we go through her things?"

"I saw her grab it off the nightstand and proceed to shove it under her pillow, honey," he stated looking at his wife. "Obviously it's something important."

"Alright, but if she finds out and has another fit, it's on you."

"I'll gladly take all the blame," he said starting to unball the receipt and smooth it out. "Breadstix. Why would she want to hide a receipt from Breadsti-" and then he stopped. Narrowing his eyes at seeing what was written on the bottom, he stood up from his chair.

"Santos, where are you going?" Emelina said getting up from her chair and following her husband throughout the house.

"To talk to our daughter," he stated forcefully. "This isn't right and I'm not going to let it go. First of all, she was charged entirely to much, but that doesn't matter to me as much as what it says," he continued climbing the stairs. "Nobody and I mean nobody has the right to write things like this. Especially to a teenage girl. All our daughter wants is some happiness in life and she can't because people keep kicking her around!" he exclaimed coming to a halt at his daughter's closed door. "Santana," he said knocking on the door.

"Come in," she yelled from her desk. Pulling her attention away from her tumblr, she saw the look on her dad's face and it wasn't good. _'Is he going to ground me now?' _"What's up?"

"What's up? What's up?" he yelled. "What's up is this," he continued yelling, showing the receipt to his daughter. "Why wouldn't you tell us about this Santana?"

"Wha-where did you find that?"

"I found it on your bed, whenever I came up here to talk to you this morning," he said calming down slightly. "Now don't try to avoid the conversation, why didn't you tell us about this?"

"Because it doesn't matter," she mumbled. "It was just something stupid that a waitress wrote on a slip because she obviously has something wrong in her mind. She's homophobic, papi, we live in a small town, things like this happen when you're out."

"Santi, it does matter," he said leaning against the wall. "It doesn't matter to me if she is homophobic or not. She had no right to do that to you."

"Papi, go talk to the Berrys," she said looking back to her tumblr. "They will tell you the same thing. It doesn't matter. That's one of the downsides to being gay in a small town. They have first hand experience. Talk to Kurt, he's out, he's my age. He will tell you the same thing. It just doesn't matter."

"Mija, your father is right. It matters. You can't let that woman get away with that. If you do, the next time you're there she'll do the same thing," Emelina said pulling the ottoman up by the desk. "Is that why you drank last night?"

Sighing, Santana turned in her seat. "Yeah. It pissed me off and in turn it made me be an asshole to Rachel. I was more upset about being an ass."

"Did you tell her about the bill?" Santos asked.

"No. She would have made a scene and then threatened to call the ACLU or something."

"Santana, I wasn't even there and I want to cause a scene."

"Papi, seriously just let it go. I'm over it."

"No. I'm not letting it go."

"You know...I'm going to go call the Berrys and see if they would like to get some early dinner," Emelina said standing up and walking towards the door.

"Wait, what?" Santana said looking away from her father.

"Santana I didn't mumble. I said I'm going to call the Berrys. I feel like we should be able to have dinner with them seeing as you have feelings for their daughter."

"Just the two of you and the two of them?"

"Obviously not. You and Rachel are having dinner with us," Santos said starting to follow his wife out of the room. "You should probably get ready. I'm sure they'd love to have dinner."

_'Oh shit.'_

Walking down the stairs, Santos looked at his wife. She was planning something. "So dinner, huh?"

"Yes, dinner. Dinner at Breadstix to be exact," she said hitting the landing and walking over to the phone and pulling the phone book out of a drawer. "You think 4 is an appropriate time for an early dinner?"

"I think it is. Tell them that we'll buy and there are some things we want to talk to them about. Get their advice," he said turning back around to go upstairs again. "I'll go change, it's already 3:15."

"Alright, will you set out a nice pair of my Express jeans and a shirt to go with it?"

"Sure."

"Yes, hello Leroy, it's Emelina Lopez," she said once the man picked up. "Oh, I'm fine. How are you?...That's wonderful. So listen, my husband and I were wondering if you and your family would like to go to an early dinner with us?...Yes, around 4 if that works for you...Yes, wonderful. How would you feel about Breadstix?...Perfect. Just dress casual. It's nothing fancy, we kind of wanted to get some advice from you and your husband and we thought why not have the girls come along...Alright, well then we'll see you at Breadstix at 4...You too, see you soon Leroy." Hanging up the phone, she headed for her bedroom, walking past her daughter's room she paused, opened the door, stuck her head in and told Santana to be downstairs and ready by 3:45.

Santana grumbled the whole way to Breadstix, until she saw Rachel and then she smiled. She couldn't help it, but she had a bad feeling about being there. Santos nudged his wife and pointed to their daughter. She was smitten. Chuckling Emelina spoke first. "Hello, guys. We're so happy you agreed to this."

"It's no problem, we were actually thinking about going out for dinner anyways, so you just gave us great company," Leroy said shaking Santos' hand and then giving Emelina a quick hug. Looking to Santana, he laughed. "You know, if you don't stop smiling your face may permanently get stuck like that," he commented giving her a pat on the shoulder. Ducking her head she mumbled a hi.

"Alright, well how about we go inside, it's 3:55 and I did make a reservation," Santos said holding the door open for everyone. Sticking his hand in his pocket, he made sure he still had the receipt from last night. Dinner went pretty smoothly, they talked about work and school and asked if the girls had plans after graduation. They were surprised when Santana said she wanted to go to NYU for psychology. Then they moved on and Santana wanted to die. Her father pulled out the receipt from last night.

_'Christ. Is he really going to do this?'_

"So, one of the big reasons why my wife and I wanted to have dinner with you was so we could get your opinion about something," Santos said holding the bill in his hand. "Apparently, Santana and Rachel had dinner here last night and when I saw the receipt I noticed a few things wrong with it," he said sliding it across the table for the Berry men to see. Santana for her part just put her head on the table. Rachel and her fathers had a confused expression on their faces, well until they actually saw the receipt.

"This happened last night?" Hiram questioned looking up from the receipt to Santana. Although all he saw was the top of her head. Hearing a muffled yes, he nodded his head. "Rachel did you know about this?"

"No, although that answers the lingering question of what was wrong," she said. "Why didn't you tell me, Santana?"

Groaning, she lifted her head off the table and glared at her parents. This was all their fault. "Because I didn't want you to get upset, we were having a nice time and then it was ruined."

"Santana," Leroy started gaining everyone's attention from the table. "This isn't right, given it's happened to my husband and I before, it's not right and you shouldn't have to hide it," he said looking at the girl. "Did you tell the manager?"

"No, I just wanted to forget about it, but I can't do that because my parents don't understand that it doesn't matter," she said glaring at her parents again. "The lady is homophobic and it happens to people all the time. Like I said, it's one of the downsides of being out here."

"Oh, honey. You couldn't be more wrong," Hiram said. "It matters, it's rude, it's disrespectful and she was harassing you. She should lose her job for this."

"I don't want to do that, I just want to forget it happened," she groaned.

"Is there anything else I can get you folks this afternoon?" The waitress asked coming up to the table.

"Uhm, I think we're good, we'll just take the check," Santos said after looking to the other occupants.

"Alright, two separate checks?"

"Actually, no, one check will be fine."

"At the risk of Santana being angry with me, I need to point something out," Rachel said once the waitress left. Santana glared at her. _'Oh God. Please don't do it, please don't do it.' _"Uhm, our waitress is the waitress we had last night," she said looking down to her hands. After she said that, four heads whipped over to Santana, and she yet again, put her head on the table. Mumbling something about hating her life, she lifted her head off the table.

"Just say it."

"She was your waitress last night?"

"Yes."

"Fantastic."

"Oh, god. You're not going to do something are you? I just want to forget about it."

"Yes, Santana, I am going to do something about it," Santos said as the waitress was making her way back over.

"Here you go, do you need doggy bags or anything?"

"Actually I need to speak with your manager about something," Santos said with a glare. Obviously that's where Santana got it. "So if you could get him or her that'd be fantastic."

"No problem," the waitress said obviously worried. "I'll have him here in a moment."

"Jesus, Papi, could you be any more intimidating?" Santana hissed. "Seriously, if you make a scene, I'm never going anywhere with you again."

"Oh, Santana, stop it. You know this is for you, now accept it."

Groaning again and rolling her eyes, she out her head back on the table and tuned of the rest of the conversation. In the end, Santana got her money back from the night before, the meal from today was on the house and management was going to be looking into the waitress and her actions, but while they were doing that, she would be suspended. Without pay. But that only happened after Santos made the comment that both of the Berry men were lawyers, it had happened to them before and if need be they would contact the ACLU and they could own Breadstix. Pretty much, he threatened to smear Breadstix through the mud. To say the least, Santos Lopez became not only Santana's hero, but Rachel and her fathers as well. The day ended with them all going back to the Lopez home and hanging out and playing games for the night. When they were getting ready to leave, Santana got the courage to give Rachel a goodnight kiss. They were both blushing when their parents aww'd at them. And Santana Lopez doesn't blush people!

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_R&R. Let Me know how we dig on it...scores people scores. It matters. :)_


	9. For Every Mistake I Have Made

_So...I know I put up an a/n and I am taking it down. Although, I am not back completely, I have to keep writing. I need to keep writing. So here's the next chapter. And thank you to everyone that has sent me well wishes. I'm slowly, but surely getting better. Also...flashbacks are italics and songs are in _**bold.**

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After the Berry's left, Santana looked at her parents and just smiled at them. They actually looked happy for once, especially since they lost Emilio. She heard them on nights that she couldn't sleep, she heard them fighting, then crying and fighting some more. She hates that she's going to end that happiness.

** It's feeling like the time's run out, but the hour glass just flipped itself over again, the sun is slowly sinking down, but on the other side a new day waits to begin.**

_'What do you expect me to do Santos?' Emelina cried. 'We lost our son. I can't just act like everything is fine. I don't see how you can.'_

_ 'Because even though we lost Emilio, we still have Santana,' Santos said exasperatedly. 'We could have lost both of our children that day, but we didn't. I'm just as messed up about this as you are, but Emilio wouldn't want us to be like this. He would want us to be there Santi and take care of her,' he said taking his sobbing wife into his arms. 'For some God forsaken reason we lost our son, but we still have our daughter,' he continued wiping his eyes with his shirt sleeve. 'We need to be here and be strong for her,' he finished with a kiss to his wife's temple. _

_ 'I just can't believe that he's gone, San,' she cried into his shoulder. 'If I had known that morning that it would have been the last time I would see him alive, I ju- I wou- I just I miss him Santos.'_

**If you dare to believe in life,you might realize that there's no time for talking, ****o****r to just wait around while the innocent die. No more. We're gonna lose everything, if we believe all the lies. I may fall but I swear that I'll help you believe. No more. This world's running on empty and there's no reason why. You may fall but I know that you'll help me believe. **

With a soft sigh Santana goes and sits in between her parents.

"Mami, Papi," she starts. "I just want you guys to know that I love you both so much."

"We love you too mija."

**We've been in the dark for way too long, but when we turn around we see a light shine through the haze. So forget about who was wrong because I've never been more ready to turn this page. If you swear you believe in life, embrace forgive. 'Cause it's all that I'm asking. Or keep holding out while the innocent day.**

"Okay, well then you shouldn't get mad at me when I tell you this," she said looking down at her hands. "I ha- I have a problem."

Sharing a look with her husband, Emelina speaks. "Honey, what type of problem?" she asks while wrapping an arm around her daughter.

"I-ugh. Last night wasn't the first time I've drank,"

"Honey, you're a teenager. We didn't think it was," Santos cuts in.

"No, Papi, you don't understand. I've been drinking since I was 15, almost every night."

**No more. We're gonna lose everything, if we believe all the lies. I may fall, but I swear that I'll help you believe. No more. This world's running on empty and there's no reason why. You may fall, but I know that you'll help me believe.**

"Mija, why would yo-what. I just. Mija," Santos sputtered. "Why would you do that?"

"Because you guys started working more and I didn't have anybody," Santana said still looking at her hands. "So I've been drinking even more lately because of everything that happened with Finn and him outing me. The only person that knew about the accident was Brittany and she doesn't talk to me anymore. And even when we did talk, I didn't talk to her about it. I didn't want to deal with it. I thought that if I did then you guys wouldn't be happy anymore. This is the happiest I've seen you guys in so long," Santana sniffed, still looking at her hands. "I didn't want to disappoint you."

**No more. We're gonna lose everything, if we believe all the lies. I may fall, but I swear that I'll help you believe.**

"Mija, you could never disappoint us. You know that," Santos stated. "I have to ask you though, do you think you need to go to rehab?"

"Santos, she didn't say she was an alcoholic," Emelina admonished.

"She said she has a problem though. I'm simply asking her if she thinks she's too far into it, to where she can't stop on her own, that's all," Santos stated firmly. "So, mija. What do you think?"

**No more. This world's running on empty and there's no reason why. You may fall, but I know that you'll help me believe. **

"I-I think," she paused. "I think I need to get help," she mumbled.

"Alright, listen mija. Your mami and I will look into places and by Monday we'll have something and we'll set it up alright?"

"Monday?" she mumbled. "As in, two days from now Monday?"

"Si, mija. The sooner we get everything set up, the better," Emelina said pressing a kiss to her daughter's cheek. "We want you to be healthy and happy."

"Can I-Can I go see Rachel?" she asked meekly.

"Santi, it's late, why don't you just go to bed and then you can go see Rachel tomorrow?" Santos suggested.

Nodding, Santana took a deep breath. "Alright, but uhm," she stuttered out, while standing. "You guys might want to come up with me. Get the bottles out of my room."

Raising an eyebrow, Emelina stood. "What do you mean get the bottles Santi?"

"Uh, I may or may not have a few bottles of vodka and tequila. And maybe some moonshine that I got from a friend," she said looking to her feet.

"Alright, let's go," Santos said pointing to the stairs.

**No more. We're gonna lose everything. If we believe all the lies. I may fall, but I swear that I'll help you believe. I may fall, but I swear that I'll help you believe. I may fall, but I swear that I'll help you believe.**

Waking up the next morning, Santana let out a groan. Her parents got all the bottles out of her room and then made her dump it down the drain. They then dumped all of the alcohol in the house, she was really going through with this. After her shower, she put on some clothes and made her way downstairs.

"Good morning, mija. We made breakfast," Santos said from the island.

"It looks good, thanks," she said taking a seat next to her father. "So how's the search going?"

"There's a center in Lima. Your mother and I figure you wouldn't want to go to out of town and we don't want you to either. Plus, we know that this center is a good one. We almost always recommend it to anybody that has a problem. We called them and you're set to go tomorrow morning and you'll be there for a month sweetie," he said sitting the paper down. "Your mother and I will go to the school and talk to the principal and whoever else we need to after we take you. So that they know what's going on and you can have your homework and everything. It's your senior year, we want to you graduate."

"Thanks, Papi."

After breakfast, Santana headed over to the Berry's She opted to walk, since it wasn't too far and it was actually pretty nice out for November. Making her way to the front door, she paused. _I need a drink for this. She's going to hate me. I can say goodbye to the chances I had with her. _Closing her eyes she knocked on the door and waited. She didn't open her eyes until the door opened and Hiram Berry cleared his throat.

"Santana? Is everything alright?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. He doesn't usually see teenager girls standing on his front porch with their eyes closed.

"Uh-uhhm. Yeah. Yeah. I just," pausing for a breath she started again. "I was wondering if Rachel was here. I kind of need to talk to her."

"She's here. She's up in her room. Would you like Leroy and I to make you some breakfast? We were just about to start some."

"Thank you, but that's alright. I already ate. My parents made breakfast."

"Alright. Rachel's room is the first door on the right, go ahead up. And let her know that we'll let her know when breakfast is ready."

"Thank you Mr. Berry,"

"Hiram, Santana. You can call me Hiram. It would be too confusing, seeing as there are two Mr. Berry's here," Hiram cut in with a smile.

"Alright, well thank you, Hiram." With one last smile and a nod Hiram went back to the kitchen and Santana made the climb up the stairs. Stopping in front of Rachel's door. She sighed and rested her forehead against the cool wood. _Just __explain it to her Lopez. She'll understand. You're doing this for you and for her. You need to do this. Even if she hates you. _

** I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head. **

Knocking as she entered the room, she saw Rachel sitting at her desk with her pink headphones in.

**They crawl in like a cockroach, leaving babies in my bed. Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone.**

"Hey Rachel," she said with a tap to the girl's shoulder. With a slight jump Rachel turned and smiled. Pulling the ear buds out, she stood from her chair.

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

"Uh, I just wanted or well needed to talk to you about something," she said gently pulling the girl over to her bed. Taking a seat, she looked at the girl and gave her a sad smile.

** Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home. There's a burning in my pride. A nervous bleeding in my brain. An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?**

"I need to tell you something. Something that you should hear from me and not somebody else," she said looking to her feet. "I'm leaving tomorrow," she said. Straight to the point. "I'll be gone for a month."

"Where are you going?" Rachel asked confusion lacing her voice.

"I- well, I'll still be in Lima, but I won't be in school or even at home for a month. I- Rachel, I'm going to rehab," she stuttered out.

**And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face? And will you never try to reach me. It is I that wanted this.**

With a gasp, Rachel shook her head. "Why would you be going to rehab Santana?"

"You saw me last week and some this week. I have a problem Rachel."

_'I agree that driving while drunk is dangerous, but did you guys know that alcohol poisoning kills about 400 people every year?' -choked sob. 'San-Santana are you crying?' The rest of the glee club looks at her with confusion written all over their faces._

_ 'I'm fine, I'm fine,' she waves them off._

_ 'Shhh,' Brittany whispers in her ear. 'Come on, let's go change. We can talk about it,' she says pulling Santana away from the stage. When they make it to the locker room to change, Santana pulls out a flask and takes a big drink. _

_ 'San,' Brittany says from her locker. 'What are you drinking?'_

_ 'Vodka,' she said simply. _

_ 'San, I think you have a problem,' Brittany said gently. _

_ 'I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM BRITTANY!' Santana screamed. _

**Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you. Hate me and wait, yeah wait for it to swallow. Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.**

_ Taking a calming breath she spoke again. 'I just- I have a headache. If I drink more, it'll help it. I don't have a problem. And don't tell anybody that I have this,' she said and with that she was out the door and heading down the hallway._

"Rachel, I'm an alcoholic and I don't want to be one," Santana said holding in a sob. "I can't stop drinking. Not by myself. I have to go to rehab, it's the on-" she choked on a sob. "It's the only way for me to get better."

**I'm sober now for 3 whole months. It's one accomplishment that you helped me with. The one thing that always tore us apart. Is the one thing I won't touch again. In a sick way, I want to thank you. For holding my head up late at night. **

"Brittany told me back when we had that alcohol awareness week that I had a problem," she said trying to wipe her eyes. "When she took me off stage after we did Blame it, she told me I had a problem and I yelled at her. But you know what happened. She came over that night and held my hair for me while I threw up. She didn't even say anything about me yelling at her. Just sat with me, all night. And every night after that."

**While I was busy waging wars on myself. You were trying to stop the fight. You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate. **

"I was so down on myself that I considered killing myself. I wanted my brother back," she sobbed. "I still do, but he isn't coming back, not ever. I thought that everything would be better, you know. Better if I wasn't here. Especially after what Finnept did and spilling my heart out to you," she shrugged. "But you came to my house. You didn't run away."

**You made me compliment myself. When it was way too hard to take. So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind. And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind. **

"But you should Rachel," she said finally getting control of herself. Turning to the girl she loved more than anything. "You should run, stop being there for me. Stop caring about me, just forget about me. You deserve so much better than me. I'm not enough for you, I won't ever be enough for you Rachel."

**Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you. Hate me and wait, yeah wait for it to swallow. Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you. **

"I'm not good for you." _God, I really need a drink for this. It's better this way though. Just keep lying, make her think you're a broken mess that even she can't fix. _"Rachel, the only thing I'll do is hold you back. Broadway, New York, it's you. You're made for it and I'll just be weighing you down." _Oh Jesus, don't cry. That's just making this soo much harder than it needs to be._

**And when the sad hard eyes say bye to you and wave kicking shadows on the street. For every mistake that I have made. And like a baby boy I never was a man, until I saw your blue eyes cry. **

By this point, Rachel is sobbing and Santana has started again. Leaning forward and taking Rachel's face in her hands, she kisses her. She kisses her for all she's worth. Hard. Full of love and lust and pain. Pain from doing this to the girl.

**And I held your face in my hand and then I found out I can't make it go away. Just make it stop. Come back and shine just like it use to be. And then she whispered:**

"**How could you do this to me?**" Rachel whispered out of breath.

"It's for your own good Rachel. I-I'm sorry," Santana choked out. "I ha- I have to go."

**Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you. Hate me and wait, yeah wait for it to swallow. Hate me so you can finally see. What's good for you, for you, for you, for you...**

* * *

_The first song is by Boyce Avenue. It's called Dare To Believe. The second song is by Blue October. It's called Hate Me. And I guess I should apologize for the lovely cliffhanger. Like what up? Let me know how you like it...and if there's something you want to see in the next chapter. Also, if you also read Breathe Me. I'll be attempting to start that tonight. So, I'll have something for that either by the end of the night tonight or tomorrow night hopefully. Anyways...R&R_


	10. Hearing Your Voice All Around

_So...this chapter is way shorter than the last one. I just really wanted to get this out there. I wanted to put it with the last chapter, but I thought the way I ended that one was a good way. So here's some aftermath...the same day...there's really not much Pezberry in it. Not even so much talk about Rachel, but I think you guys will like it. I hope._

* * *

Sitting on the bench at the park, Santana can't help but think about what she just did. Did she make the right choice? Was she wrong to do that? Was she too vague? She didn't know, but she just knew in her heart that she had to do it. Wiping her eyes on her jacket, she let out a breath she didn't know she was holding in. Watching the children in the park, she can't help, but smile. She loves watching siblings play with each other. Especially brothers playing with their little sisters. It reminds her of when Emilio would play with her, at that she frowns.

"I miss him to Santana," Hiram Berry says taking a seat beside the Latina, pulling her from her thoughts.

"I-uh, miss who Mr. Berry?" she stammers out, while trying to casually wipe her eyes. Stupid tears.

"Emilio. And I know why you've been crying, you don't have to hide it," he says looking at the girl.

"How, I'm sorry, but how do you know about Emilio?"

"Leroy and I lived here before, Santana," he said with a shrug. "We moved when our jobs were more of a stay in this one place type of job, but then we had Rachel and staying in one place was alright, but we lived in the city and we didn't like it, so we moved back here. Emilio was just a little boy, probably around 8 or 9 when we moved away. Your parents always brought him to this park and Leroy and I always came here because of the pond and the ducks. It's very calming," he said handing the girl a cup from the Lima Bean. "Emilio use to come up to us and he always asked me to play with him, so I did. He was a great kid."

"Why don't you hate me?"

"We talked to Rachel, as soon as you ran out of the house actually. She told us that you, well kind of broke up with her, even though you aren't girlfriends, so you broke off something that there was nothing to break off from what I understood."

"She was a wre-wreck when I ran out," she said tears clouding her vision. "So again, why don't you hate me?"

"She told us that you told her about rehab. Where will you be doing that, if I can ask?"

"St. Rita's. So, still Lima, but I'll actually be staying there. For a month," she said wiping her eyes AGAIN. Taking a drink of the coffee, she closed her eyes and let the warmth go through her body. "Thanks for the coffee."

"No problem."

"So you don't hate me because you know that I'm going to rehab?"

"No, because that would be pitying you. And from what I know about you and from what I've seen, you don't want people to pity you," he said sitting his coffee down. "I don't hate you because what you did, I understand. You're trying to make Rachel think that she's better off without you. You want her to leave you, so that you don't hurt her anymore than you already have, or more than you've hurt yourself," he said stretching out his legs. "You have some personal demons. You tried to deal with it by drinking and it didn't really pan out to good."

"Obviously."

"I'm not trying to give you a lecture, I'm just trying to let you know that I understand why you did it, but you've got to know that however messed up you are, Santana, you and Rachel...you're good for each other," he says.

Scoffing, Santana shakes her head. "You really think that I'm good for Rachel? I'm 17 and I'm an alcoholic, Mr. Berry. I'm going to rehab tomorrow to try and get the help that I need to be a better person. I'm an alcoholic and I can't keep my emotions in check when someone wants to talk about Emilio. I push it away, because I don't want to deal with it. So really, you think I'm good for Rachel?"

"Santana, the fact that you know that you have a problem and can admit that and want to get help, puts you so much farther ahead that people that are in their 20s and 30s and hell even my next door neighbor and she's 75. You're going to do something about it. You know that you can't live your life like this, you don't want to or else you wouldn't have told your parents," he states firmly turning to face the girl. "And yes, I think you're good for Rachel. Just spending the evening with you guys made all of us see just how well you guys fit together. She's much calmer and less starstruck. You keep her grounded and she makes you happy. You had the biggest smile on your face last night, all night, just being in the same room as her. She makes you want to be a better person doesn't she?"

"Yes," she rasps out. "But I can't be wi-with her. No- not not like thi-this. I need to get better and become the person that I need to be in order to get out of Lima. I want to make my parents proud of me, I want Emilio to be proud of me. And I ju-" she stops wiping at her eyes viciously. "I want Rachel to be proud of me and not think that I'm a failure."

"She doesn't think that and Santana, your parents are proud of you, I'm sure Emilio is proud of you. Just for realizing that you have a problem and are taking steps to fix it, that alone makes ME proud of you," Hiram said handing the girl a tissue. "How about I walk you home? Your parents called our house asking if you were still there. I told them I figured I knew where you were."

"How?"

"Because I use to see you here all the time when we first moved back, especially around the holidays. So what do you say to that walk home?"

"Sure," she said standing from the bench and grabbing her coffee. Stopping before they could actually move she hugged the man. "Thank you," she murmured into his chest. "Thank you for being so understanding."

Shocked slightly from the sudden hug, he pats her back and returns the hug fully. "No problem. If you don't have someone on your side, other than family, it makes things a little bit harder, doesn't it?"

Nodding, she pulls out of the hug. "Yeah, but you don't have to."

"Yeah, but I wouldn't be a Berry if I wasn't. And besides, you and I are a lot alike," he shrugs as they walk out of the park.

"What do you mean?"

"Santana, I went through the same thing as you when I was your age. Given I didn't lose my brother to a car accident, but I was outed. My friends didn't want anything to do with anymore, so I turned to drugs. I abused prescription meds, they were my mothers. She had a bad knee and she was fully loaded with pain killers. She wouldn't have ever noticed that some where missing," he says turning the corner. "But Leroy was there for me. He didn't give up on me. And just to let you know, Rachel won't give up on you either. She's a lot like Leroy, in the sense that they're both stubborn as can be. You'll still have her. In the end you'll get the girl."

"I-I didn't know that."

"Rachel didn't either. Not until we told her about it her sophomore year. She was old enough by then to understand. So again, you and I are a lot alike. And it looks like we're at your house."

"Oh God. They're sitting outside, really?" she asks or more states with a roll of her eyes.

"They were worried about you," he says with small shrug. "If you ever need anything, whether it be to talk about someone giving you a hard time for loving girls, or to talk about the alcohol and the hardships you'll face, just know that I'm here, alright?"

"Yes. Thank you, Mr. Berry."

"I'm pretty sure we had this discussion a few hours ago. It's Hiram, Santana."

"Hiram."

"Okay, that's better. So I wish you nothing, but the best with rehab and if you can, you can call me. I'm more than willing to listen. But now that you're home, I've got to go home. I have a hungry husband and diva of a daughter to feed," he said with a laugh. Smiling and giving the man one last hug, Santana went up to her parents.

"I'm sorry, I made you guys worry about me," she said biting her lip. "I was just trying to figure some stuff out and I didn't want to come home yet, I probably should have texted you."

"It's okay, Santi," Emelina said pulling her daughter into a hug. "You're okay and we're okay. Let's just go inside and eat some lunch and then we'll get some stuff together for tomorrow. How's that sound?"

"It sounds good. I love you both and you're the best parents I could have ever asked for."

* * *

_R&R. And let me know if you like/hate how I've just gave Hiram Berry some depth._


	11. But I Still Walk On

**Okay, guys. I'm not going to say I'm sorry because I feel like you'll all stone me to death if I do. All I can say is, I'm still dealing with a lot of stuff with my health and needed to get my head on straight. **

* * *

Santana rolled her eyes as she walked through the hallway. St. Rita's was as cold as she thought it was. The doctors were alright, she really got along with the female resident psychiatrist though. Turning the corner, she smiled slightly and waved to Fiona.

"Hello Santana," Achimah said with a warm smile. "How are doing today?"

Sighing and leaning against the wall she thought about it for a moment.

**Describe the pain, it choked your reality.**

"I'm not sure. I mean, I'm really glad that as of tomorrow morning I will no longer be here, but I just feel like I may fail again, you know?"

**It's all in your mind she said it. Instead you go graceful dancing. You close the door on the war I started last Halloween. I'm gonna be fine again. You got to keep graceful dancing, oh.**

"I understand you being glad about leaving. I always mention that they should paint the walls or something. Give it more life," Fiona chuckled. "As for the thinking you're gonna fail...don't think like that. Just think positively and surround yourself with friends and family that will help you and want you to succeed. I've been clean for 5 years. I mean I'm only 25, but I had a slip up. I was clean from age 17 to 20, then had a friend or what I thought was a friend and he gave me heroine, put me off the horse, but 5 years later and I'm good. Just think about the positive."

**Here we are and you're a superstar on your own. And I'm looking over your shoulder, getting older and God only knows that here we are. And you're a superstar on your own. Now here we are. Your sunset reigns like a bullet hole. Trees only seems for hanging, a moon is the target range and rivers seem only for drowning. **

"Right. I actually have more people in my corner than I thought," Santana said with a slight smile.

"Like that short little brunette?" Fiona asked with a smirk.

Blushing, Santana nodded. "Yeah, her name's Rachel. She's pretty amazing isn't she?"

"If I was 17 again, I'd probably date her," she said with a laugh. "She's crazy into you, though. I mean if you didn't already know that, but judging from that big ass smile you're sporting, you do."

Looking to her feet, Santana shrugged. "I mean we had a date or two before I came here. Then I broke off whatever we had going. I figured it'd be easier to get better without putting her through everything."

**You fall away and then you starve to finish your painting. Well, it's gonna take time my friends, you got to keep graceful dancing, oh.**

"Well, you've got nothing to worry about. She's been waiting for you. I can tell," the slightly taller woman said with a smile. "You guys actually remind me of when I was your age. Nikki. She's always been there, she still is. Best thing in my life."

"You guys are still together?"

"Santana, time for your last session," Dr. Fernandez said from his door.

Rolling her eyes, Santana smiled at Fiona and turned to start walking to the doctor.

"Hey, Santana," Fiona said before she walked through the door. "To answer your question, we are." Santana smiled and nodded her head.

**Here we are and you're a superstar on your own. And I'm looking over your shoulder getting older and God only knows that here we are. And you're a ****superstar on your own. Now here we are. **

Sitting down in the chair across from Dr. Fernandez, Santana had a light scowl. She hated him. He was such a pompous ass. "What'd you want to talk about today doc?"

"Just run by your after care, nothing to strenuous," he said with a smile. "But I do need to tell you that while you think your glaring and small scowl aren't visible, they are. I know you don't like me. You want to know a secret?"

"Even if I don't," Santana started with an eye roll. "You're going to tell me anyways. So go right ahead."

"The only reason I'm such a hard ass is so that everyone knows that this is serious, if I'm too laid back, like I use to be, most of my patients relapse," he said with a frown. "I don't want that for you. I don't want that for anybody. So, with your after care, I don't think you need to go to a sober house. Besides your parents have already said that they haven't bought any liquor and won't be buying any in the near future. They'll help you stay on track and if you ever feel like you might jump ship and head for a bottle for comfort, you can call me."

"I don't want to," she said with a shrug. "Jump ship I mean. I want to be a better person than what I use to be."

**Who knows that here we are. And you're a superstar on your own and I'm looking over your shoulder, getting older and God only knows that here we are. And you're a superstar on your own.**

"Well, with that thought process, I believe you'll succeed," he said with a smile. "When you leave tomorrow, you'll be getting some papers, some books on after care. They really help. If you read them. There is also a book that we give all of our patients. It's an autobiography by Neyen Castro. He tells his story and past patients have said that his story has been a huge help to them. It's a good read, sad, but good."

"Alright."

"That's all I wanted to talk about," Dr. Fernandez said. "If you want, you can ask Fiona to take you out on one of the trails. Go for a walk. Talk to her if you want. Only way you can though, is if she is willing to go."

With a smile, Santana nodded. "Thanks Dr. Fernandez."

"No problem. I'll see you tomorrow morning Santana."

Walking to the door, Santana paused and turned her head.

"You know, you're not so bad doc." With that she walked out the door.

**Now here we are.**

Knocking on the door of the nurse's station, Santana looked around the room. Lifting her head from some paperwork, Fiona gave a light eye roll.

"I'm guessing he didn't actually need you for an entire session did he?"

Shaking her head, Santana rolled her eyes, _hard. _"No, just talking to me about after care. He told me that I could go for a walk on one of the trails though."

"Only if I went with you?"

Nodding her head, Santana bit her lip. "Yeah, I think he knows that I get along with you better than I do Shelly."

"Well, it's not that hard. She's kind of a bitch," Fiona said standing from her seat and putting her paperwork in her mailbox. "So you up for that walk?"

"Yeah totally. Just let me put some sneakers on."

**I really need to talk with you. I keep stepping on the vein that keeps my ****lifeline flowing through.**

"I'm back. So can we talk about you and Nikki, right?"

"Yeah, her name is Nikki," Fiona said opening the door. "What do you want to know?"

"I don't know, I mean are you guys together?"

"Yes, we are. We've been together for 4 years."

"Not since you were 17?"

**I wanna be your perfect stick of glue, but I don't feel that perfect at all. Sad and insecure flaw.**

"Well, we dated when we were 16 up until we were 19. Differences in life or whatever. That's when things got bad again," she said opening the gate. "I fell back into my depression, I've dealt with it since I was little. I lost my father when I was 5. Drunk driver," she said with a shrug.

"That's how I lost my brother," Santana said with a knowing look in her eyes.

"Right, so you know what I went through, or at least sort of," she said. "Losing someone is always the same heartache, but losing a parent is always extra hard. Then when I was 16 I lost my mother to cancer. My aunt adopted me. I was in a deep depression with that, but I didn't show it. I started using heroine and Xanax, and one day Nikki found me sticking a needle in my arm."

**I find it hard to hold conversation. I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away. It's not you it's strictly me in the situation. I'm wondering will it ever go away and when I'm sleeping, perfecting how to put a game face on.**

"She basically told me, if you don't get help, then I'm out," she said stopping beside a tree to pick a flower. "Of course I got help. I didn't want to lose the love of my life you know. So I went to rehab and got out and she was there still," she said handing the flower to Santana.

"Thanks, so why'd you break up?"

"She didn't like the fact that we had been together for years and I won't tell her about my childhood, losing my father. She broke up with me and I went back into the depression because I was alone again. Didn't have my parents, my aunt was busy with work all the time and I didn't have Nikki. Life just seemed like it couldn't get any worse."

**This puzzle I've been keeping has been hiding, creeping out the closet door, spilling out onto the floor. How long will I be picking up pieces? How long will I be picking up my heart?**

"So, you started using again?"

"Yeah, because someone gave it to me. I was depressed and I figured if Nikki didn't want me sober then she wouldn't care if I was high," Fiona said pointing to the bench. "So I got high again. I did that for about 3 months. Then I saw her again and she instantly knew that I wasn't sober. She made me check into rehab," she said sitting down on the bench, leaving enough space between her and the younger girl. "I got out of rehab and there she was, again. She told me that the last 5 months without was torture and she knew that she wanted to be with me and she'd stay with me and let me get to the point of talking about my father. So we just talked for the next 2 years, we didn't date anybody else though. We were dating, but we weren't. Then we finally got back together."

**I'll be as honest as I feel. I'm getting more paranoid and I'm hearing things and they never turn out real. It feels like my heart is made of pure ****steel. It's just so heavy all the time.**

"So tell me about Rachel?"

"Uh, what do you want to know?" Santana asked suddenly shy.

"That's a cute look. That bashful and young and in love look," Fiona said with a shrug. "And I don't know, anything. What's her favorite thing to do? Other than undress you with her eyes."

"She does that?"

Laughing Fiona nodded. "Every minute that she was here, every time."

"Wow."

Nudging the girl beside her, she raised her eyebrow. "Favorite thing to do, Miss. Horndog?"

"Sorry, uhm, she loves Broadway. Musicals and bedazzling things. Making couples calendars, stuff like that."

"Sounds like Nikki."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, Rent, Funny Girl, Wicked. Those are her favorite musicals. And Spring Awakening, but I think that's just because the lead female had her top open," she said with a laugh.

"Wow. Does she happen to be related to the Berrys?"

"Not that I know of. But from your response those are Rachel's favorites too?"

"Yeah, except I'm not sure she's ever seen Spring Awakening," Santana said looking around. "But now that I know there's a topless female I may have to make sure Rachel never sees that."

"It's fine, it's not on Broadway anymore. And couples calendars...she a dog person or a cat person?"

"Cat person. Her ex-boyfriend called it her crazy calendar."  
"Ouch."

"Yeah, but there's a reason he's the ex. One being is that he's a giant and she has to like stand on a box to reach his face. The T-Rex eating the Jew."

"So you hate him. Because he had her first or is there another reason?"

"That and he outed me in school which was then broad casted all over t.v. He's kind of a big douchebag."

"You're telling me. Did you hit him?"

"I rude boxed the motherfucker," Santana said seriously.

**Yeah, I'm scared of death, I'm scared of living. I gave up on the past 'cause it's unforgiving. I misplaced my trust, I watched my work begin to rust. I'm a balloon about to bust. **

"Did he cry? Because he deserves to cry."

"No, he didn't. He then decided to tell me that he didn't want me to commit suicide. Which by the way, I wouldn't. I'd miss me too much. He also tried to sing me a slowed down version of Girls just want to have fun."

"Such a homophobic asshole. Does he have a mental problem?"

"He's dumber than a two year old. Actually, a one year old is smarter than him. He doesn't even realize he's stupid. He's also terrible in bed and basically told me that I meant nothing," Santana said. "I had a crazed I'm not gay phase." She clarified when Fiona raised her eyebrow.

"Gotcha. I can gladly say that I've only slept with one guy. He's the only exception I made and would make to this day. He's a sweetheart and surprisingly still my best friend."

**I need a place for reliving, but sometimes I feel like weeping awake when I'm sleeping. Perfecting how to put a game face on. This puzzle I've been keeping has been hiding. Creeping out the closet door, spilling out onto the floor.**

After some silence, Santana turned to face the older woman. "I really like it up here. Very quiet and peaceful."

"I come up here a lot. Usually in the morning about an hour before the other patients wake up and after hours. I can really think about everything. Relive my past you know."

**How long will I be picking up pieces? How long will I be picking up my heart? How long(in another space and time) will I be picking up pieces in the corner of my mind? How long(it's getting oh so hard to find) keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind? **

"Santana, I just want you know that even though the rules and regulations say that we're not allowed to, you can talk to me. Before you leave tomorrow I'll give you my number and you can call me or text me. If you want to talk about stuff or just to say how you are doing. Or if you just want to hang out. It's always easier to have someone else in your corner, especially someone that has been in your shoes, or has even seen you in rehab, through the whole process, the good, the bad," Fiona said looking at the girl.

"That'd be nice, thanks," Santana said with a smile. "And I'd probably call you before I'd call Dr. Fernandez."

"I would too. He's too much of an asshole."

"You've got that right."

"Yeah, so you want to go back down or sit here for a little while longer?"

"Can we stay here? I want think about some life choices for a bit if that's okay?"

"Of course. That's fine."

**But I still walk on.**

* * *

**Okay. R&R. The songs are...Graceful Dancing(First song) and Picking Up Pieces(Second song) by Blue October. Also, I'm going to attempt to get a chapter of Breathe Me out. If any of you read that. **


	12. How Could I Let Her Go?

_Hey guys! I just want to say thank you to whoever is still with the story and the new followers. I also need to apologize to the ones that read Breathe Me. I haven't updated that story in awhile. I apologize profusely. I'm just blocked on where to take it. So anyways, here's another chapter to this story. I tried to make it a bit longer. R&R._

* * *

**Where do you go when the day is long? And where does your heart beat and who is wrong?**

Walking down the street, Santana let out a sigh. She was going to the Berry residence today. She had been home for two days, school for one. She avoided Rachel both days. She just wasn't ready to face her. Waiting for the light to change so she could cross the street, she saw fucking Noel Nash coming down the street.

_'Why the fuck does she always have to be wherever I am?'_

Tapping her foot on the sidewalk, Santana prayed for the light to hurry up and change. As soon as it changed she ran across the street, she so wasn't dealing with that bitch today.

**Why do I feel this way? Why do I kneel? How could I let it go? Why do I feel? Why do I feel? Why?**

Turning down Rachel's street, she started to actually feel the guilt. Why was she avoiding this girl that she was in love with? If she did this, then she was certain that she would head back down her self-destructive path and that so wasn't going to happen. Finally making it up on the front porch, she took a deep breath. Before she could knock though, the door opened.

"Hi Santana," Hiram said walking out the door.

"What brings you here today?" Leroy asked leaning against the railing.

"Uhm, I just wanted to come see Rachel. I've been home for a few days and haven't seen her," she said wringing her hands together. Why the fuck was she so nervous. "Uh, are you guys going somewhere?"

"Hiram and I are going out. It's date night," Leroy said with a smile and a knowing look in his eye. "Rachel is up in her room, if you want to talk to her."

"Alright, thank you Mr. Berry."

"It's Leroy Santana."

"Right. Sorry. I'm just gonna go see if she'll talk to me. Have a great night," Santana said and then made a beeline for the stairs. Making it to Rachel's door, she heard a distant sound. It sounded an awful lot like crying. Fuck.

**Follow me home through the maze and awn. I'll show you the road that I led you the wrong way on. Why did I go that way? Why do I steal? How could I let her go? Why do I feel?**

"Rachel," Santana said knocking on the door. "Can I come in?"

Opening the door slightly, Rachel's head poked out. "Why are you here Santana?"

She had been crying. Sighing to herself and running her hand through her hair, Santana swallowed.

"I wanted to see you Rach," she whispered. "I haven't seen you in awhile and I miss you."

"You've been avoiding me the past two days. You also wouldn't talk to me when I came to see you last week," Rachel sniffed. "So why should I let you come in?"

**Oh why did I go that way? Why do I steal? How could I let her go? Why do I feel? Why do I feel? Why?**

"I'm sorry, Rach, I just," Santana paused. "Can we please do this like in your room or in your living room or something? I feel weird standing in your hallway while you're hiding behind your bedroom door."

Huffing, Rachel pulled the door open. "Fine, come in."

"Thank you," she said taking a seat in the desk chair. "So, you've been crying," she said looking at the floor. "Because of me?"

"Partly because of you," Rachel said looking at the latina. "And partly because I feel stupid."

"Why?"

"Because Santana, I thought- I thought that we were fine. All the times I came to see you while you were gone. I thought that we could at least talk and maybe at some point try to go on another date, a better date," Rachel said furiously rubbing her eyes. "But you wouldn't talk to me last week, you've avoided me for the last two days, when I texted you, I never got a text back, if I called you, you sent it to voicemail. I'm not trying to smother you or anything. I just want to be there for you, but you seem adamant about shutting me out!"

"Because I'm ashamed Rachel. I'm ashamed of myself! I'm disappointed in myself and every time I talk to you, I just think about how if I keep being around you and I slip up again then you'll leave me!" At what point did they start screaming?

**Why? Why did I go that way? Why do I need? How could I let her go? Why do I feel? Oh why did I go that way? How could I steal? Oh how could I? How could I? How could I?**

"Why can't you just accept that I'm not going to leave you?" Rachel whispered. "I want to be here for you, I want to be with you. I'm not saying I want to date you as soon as you got out of rehab, I'm just saying at some point."

**How could I? How could I?**

"I'm scared," Santana said looking at her hands. "I'm scared that you'll realize that I'm not what or who you want and you'll leave me. At some point everyone leaves."

"Then listen to me when I tell you that I'm not leaving you, not by choice. The only way that I would ever leave you is by some reason that only God knows."

"I'm sorry," Santana said getting up and moving over to sit beside the short brunette. "Can you forgive for being such a douche-lord?"

"Yes, as long as you don't shut me out."

Nodding her head, Santana took Rachel's hand. "Promise. And to start the process of getting better, I'm inviting you to come with me to Puck's tonight, as my date. He's having a small, very small, get together, just the glee kids and a few of his friends from the football team. No alcohol involved."

"Sure. Are you positive that there will be no alcohol though?"

"Positive sweet-cheeks. Puckernone knows that I just got out of rehab and he said it would be a sober party. No alcohol."

"Alright, well let me get ready. When do we have to be there?"

"At 8, which is in about 45 minutes."

"Alright, make yourself at home," Rachel said getting up from the bed and going towards her bathroom.

Puck's small get together was fun, until his football friends came, meaning Finnept and Azimio. They both brought alcohol, even though Puck said there was not going to be drinking, unless it was water or soda pop. Santana refused to sit in the basement while Puck kept yelling at the two boys and telling them to get rid of the booze, but they didn't see the problem. So Rachel, Santana and Quinn went upstairs, while they argued. As soon as they heard a crash and something breaking they went back down, or at least halfway down the stairs because they couldn't go any further without getting hit.

"Dude, what the fuck don't you understand about the word no?" Puck screamed as he threw Finn up against the wall. "I said no fucking alcohol and what do you two idiots do? Bring fucking alcohol!" He continued screaming as he threw a hard left into the giant boy's side.

"Dude, stop," Finn croaked. "I thought you were fucking with us. I don't see what the big deal is anyways," he said finally getting the mo-hawked boy off him. "Santana can just drink water or whatever. She doesn't have to drink."

Mike came out of nowhere and threw a hard punch to Finn's head. "She shouldn't have to worry about other people drinking though, man. She just got out of fucking rehab for the same fucking problem that you're trying to tempt her with by bringing alcohol. You're stupid and you're rude."

With wide eyes, Santana looked between Rachel, Quinn and Tina, who was sitting on the chair facing the stairs. That was so out of character for Mike, but Santana felt loved.

"Well, that's her fucking problem then, not mine. I didn't shove a beer in her face and tell her to drink until she became an alcoholic did I?" Finn yelled shoving both boys away from him. "That's her own fault and her fucking problem. She probably just can't deal with the fact that Brittany didn't want her and the fact that she's a dyke!"

"Dude, get the fuck out of my house!" Puck said as he put Finn in a headlock and started dragging him up the stairs. "You don't fucking disrespect my lesbro like that you dick. And you're lucking I'm even letting you breathe after you're stupid fucking comment." Finally get passed the girls and through the living room, Mike pulled Puck's door open, while Puck continued to pull the giant idiot outside.

"Dude, I can't breathe, let me the fuck go."

"You're speaking! You can breathe you fucking dumbass!" Puck yelled.

What Puck didn't expect was Finn to get one of his flailing limbs around his leg, so when he did and pulled, both boys went crashing to the ground. As they rolled on the ground, throwing punches, everyone else was attempting to get Azimio to his car without trying to jump in. Once he was gone, Sam tried to get Finn off of Puck, because he had him in a headlock, but with a flick of his arm, Sam was off of him and had fallen to the ground.

At some point, a few of Puck's neighbors had managed to make it out on their porch to see the show. His next door neighbors, a nice little old couple who Puck had done yard work for, obviously decided to call the police because it didn't seem like it was going to end anytime soon and all you could hear was the profanities the boys were yelling as they swung. Puck somehow got his legs wrapped around Finn's neck and started squeezing as he landed some punches to the boy's sides and face, while he continued to tell him just how much of a fucking idiot he was and how he was going to kill him. Once they heard the sirens, the rest of the boys, minus Kurt, all rushed to pull the boys apart.

Pulling to a stop, two officers got out of the patrol car and made their way up to the group of teens.

"I'm officer DePandi and this is my partner Cole. We got a call saying that there was a disturbance here. What's going on?"

"This douche-lord over here brought alcohol to my house," Puck stated as he glared at the ogre. "I told him to get rid of it and leave, but he wouldn't."

"What's your name?"

"Noah Puckerman."

"And your name?"

"Finn Hudson."

"Alright, Finn, where'd you get the alcohol?"

Shuffling on his feet, Finn ran the back of his hand across his face, wiping blood off his nose. Definitely broken. "I took it from my house."

"Parents names, we need them here. Mr. Puckerman, are your parents home?"

"It's just my mom, but she's not here, she went to temple with my nanna."

"Well, we're going to need to call her and get her here too. The rest of you, we're going to need your parents names as well. That way, if any alcohol has been consumed, you can get home safely." Santana shared a look with Rachel and she knew they were fucked. Her parents were going to murder her, just for being around alcohol.

When everyone's parents got there and everything was sorted with the gleeks that weren't involved, they left. The only ones left, were Santana, Rachel, Finn, Kurt, Blaine, Mike, Puck and their parents. The only reason Santana and Rachel were still there was because Santana was inadvertently involved and Mike had thrown a punch. Stupid Finn and his stupid mouth. Santana's parents were glaring between Finn and Santana, mainly Finn though.

"I just, I have a question," Emelina Lopez said from her seat in between her daughter and Rachel. At the nod from the officers, she turned and looked to Finn. "Why would you, even when Noah stated that there was to be no alcohol, bring some? And why would you think that it's alright to throw my daughter's issues in her face? You have no idea what she's been through."

"I thought he was joking when he said it and I wasn't thinking when I said all that stuff about Santana."

"Dude, you were thinking clearly, you're just rude," Mike piped up from his seat. "Especially saying that she's a dyke."

"Excuse me?" Santos said, disgust lacing his voice. "You called my daughter a dyke?"

At Finn's silence, Burt looked at the boy and slapped him in the back of the head. "Finn, did you call her that?"

"No."

"You're a fucking liar Lumps. Everyone heard you!" Santana sneered at him. "You're just pissed because Rachel dumped your fat ass because you're a. homophobic and b. outed me to the entire school AND the entire state. You're an asshole, ducha!"

"Santana that's not helping anybody now," Emelina said through gritted teeth. Turning back to Finn, who now you could tell had a black eye, busted lip, and his broken nose, she stared at him for a moment.

"You're the one who caused my daughter to be placed in all the bullshit with her sexuality? Do you have any idea what you've done? The problems that you've caused from your stupidity? The fact that you're basically harassing my daughter because of who she loves, we should and could sue you," Santos said, seething in his seat. It was surprising that he hadn't lunged across the coffee table separating them. "Is this the way you've raised your son?" he asked looking to Finn's mother.

"No, this isn't the way I raised him and I have no idea where he thinks that it's right to do this. I wouldn't honestly would be on your side if you sued him. He deserves it," she said shaking her head while looking at her son. "I'm extremely disappointed in you Finn."

"But mom, it's not my"

"You say it's not your fault and you're going to be in more trouble with us than with the police, do you understand me?" Burt growled from his seat next to Carole. 'I thought you changed."

"I did, if you'd just let me talk for a minute instead of cutting me off you would understand."

"Go ahead then, tell them what it is that makes all this okay douche-bag," Puck said from his seat on the floor by the two girls.

"She just, she doesn't care about anybody, but herself. She doesn't care if she hurts people, which is what she'll do to you Rachel, if she hasn't already. She's a bully and she never stops trying to find things to say about me."

"So because I'm a bitch that gives you the right to out me, to call me rude degrading names? That's all okay because I'm a bitch?" Santana asked from her seat. "Seriously, you have no idea what's happened in my life, none at all. Like yeah, you outed me, yeah my grandmother disowned me because I love girls, but have you ever thought about the fact that maybe there's, you know, a deeper reasoning to why I'm such a bitch? Have you thought about that? You don't have to answer because I know you haven't. So here's a little lesson for you Finney! When I was 10, I was in a car accident with my big brother, his name was Emilio. There was a drunk driver and he hit us. My brother died, he was 17 and he died. He didn't get to graduate, he didn't get to go to college, make a name for himself, get married, have children. He didn't get to do any of that because someone decided that it was a smart fucking decision to drink and drive!" She shrugged her mother's hand off her shoulder when she started to yell. "You can think all you want that I'm a fucking coward and I didn't tell anybody or show anybody who I really was, was because of Brittany, but that's not why! That's nothing compared to losing your brother," she continued actually standing up and walking over to the boy, hovering over him. "Like I understand you're dad died, but that was when you were a fucking baby, you didn't get to have all these memories with him, like I did with my brother. I lost my best fucking friend because some guy hit us and just drove off, like he hit a fucking animal. And then the best part of it all, the douche that hit us, he only went to jail for 5 fucking years. He got sentenced to 10 years, but you know what? If you have good behavior for the first 5, then you can get out and be put on probation. So don't think or act like you know anything about ME! You don't know ANYTHING about me and what I'VE been through. So what I make little comments to you, who the fuck cares? Grow up and grow some balls. It doesn't fucking matter. In the end, none of it fucking matters. I'm done with this conversation and I'm done with you. Puck, Mike, thank you for sticking up for me and being real men about something that is a serious problem and I'm sorry for all the problems I caused by actually coming over here. I'll be out in the car," she said looking to her parents. With that she walked out of the house, Rachel following behind. She didn't want to leave the girl alone.

Leaning against the car, Santana rubbed her eyes. She was trying so hard not to cry, she shouldn't cry over this, it wasn't helping her any.

"Santana," Rachel said coming to a stop in front of the girl. "Do you want to talk about it? Or something?"

Sniffling, Santana gave the shorter girl a watery smile. "Just hold me. Please?"

* * *

_Okay, the song which was in bold, is Let It Go by Blue October. If there's anything you guys want to see, please pm me or review the story. I was kind of sad when I only had one review to the last chapter. And I also have a question. How many of you want Finn to stay in the story? and how many of you want him to kind of just disappear? I'm thinking military school or something of the sort. Also, Noel Nash will be making an appear in the story at some point._


	13. Just A Trip Not A Way To Ease Your Pain

Finn sat in his room Friday night seething. First, he gets into a fight with Puck, resulting in two black eyes, a broken nose, chipped tooth, and bruised ribs, but also now has to do 30 hours of community service.

_ 'Stupid Santana and her stupidity.' _

As he sat on his floor playing call of duty, he thought. He thought of ways to get Santana back, because obviously it's entirely her fault. She stole his girlfriend and she's entirely to blame for his injuries and community service. He can't do it in town, at least not where his friends will see him, it'd be too embarrassing.

Across town, at the park Santana sat on her bench with Rachel. They weren't talking, just sitting. Santana was thinking about her brother and sobriety, while Rachel, well Rachel was thinking about Santana and how she just wanted her to be happy. She was also thinking about Finn and how she saw something in him before. Whatever that was, it was gone.

"You know, whenever my parents go to Emilio's grave, on the anniversary of his death, I always stayed in the car," Santana said breaking the silence. "Whenever I got old enough to stay home alone, my parents didn't put up a fight when I said I didn't want to go. That's when I started drinking. A little here, a little there. I don't even know when it got bad."

"I know I don't have experience with your situation, but I'm assuming that the feelings you have about not having your brother are like mine, with not having my mother in my life," Rachel replied glancing at the Latina. "Although, yours is worse because while I don't have my mother, she's still alive."

"That's right, but you're pretty close. That feeling in the pit of your stomach that just won't go away, the one that makes you just not want to wake up in the morning because you know that it's not going to be a better day?"

"Okay. That's actually not the feeling I have when I think of my mom, it's really just little cloud of rain compared to what you just described."

"Yeah, well it happens," Santana said as she got off the bench. "It's 10:30, I should probably make sure you get home, then go home myself. You know, when you just get out of rehab, your parents aren't to keen on you being out late."

"Alright."

Once they got to Rachel's, Santana's phone chimed.

"Will you text me when you get home so that I know that you're there?"

"Yes, I will," she said as she looked at her phone. With a hug, Santana headed down the street towards her street.

**'Hey, Santana I'm going to Vice in about an hour. You want to go?'**

Turning down her street, Santana sighed. She knew that if she went to Vice with Noel, she would drink and probably do something else while there. The question though, wasn't if she wanted to go because she kind of did and her parents were on graveyard shift at the hospital so they wouldn't know that she wasn't home, the question was can she restrain herself from drinking?

Walking up the stairs of her porch, Santana started typing her reply.

**'If you come get me, I'll go. I need to get ready though. -S'**

** 'No problem. It's also girls get in free night. Be there in half an hour I'm almost ready.'**

It was now 12:30 and as Santana sat in the corner of the booth with her bottle of water, she started thinking about her brother. What he would think of her and her choices, when she got so far into that rut, she needed to feel better. That feeling in the pit of her stomach was coming back.

"Hey, I got something that'll make both of us feel better," Noel said as she slide into the booth.

"And what would that be?"

"Just a little bit of this," Noel said discretely pulling a little bag out of her pocket.

"What's that?" Santana asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Only the best cocaine around. Do you want a line?" the blonde said cleaning off part of the table. "It'll make you feel like you're on top of the world in 15 minutes."

"Sure, give me a minute. I need to go the bathroom, I'll be right back," Santana said getting out of the booth.

* * *

**Okay, I know you all want to murder me because it's easily been about 3 or 4 months since I've updated this and probably longer for Breathe Me. And this is extremely short and I'm leaving you with a cliffhanger. I'm sorry. It's been multiple things that have stopped me from writing. I know you don't want to hear my sob story..but just entertain me for a second. 1.I have been doing a lot of doctor apts. still from June. 2. I just ended my 6 year relationship with who I am now calling 'Cray-Cray K!' so that has been an experience has been an interesting one. I had to find a new place and I have also been having a lot of sessions with my therapist(yes I am crazy), but I'm dealing with all that. Thank you for the time. Enjoy this short as shit chapter. AND PLEASE IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING AT ALL, GIVE ME AN IDEA! Also review please. You can yell at me that way.**


	14. Sad Detail Is All The Promises I Make

Standing in the bathroom, Santana sighed. She actually didn't want to go back down a destructive path, she just needed to get away from Noel for a minute so that she could figure out how to get out of the situation. She didn't drive herself to the club, so she couldn't just get up and leave, Lima wasn't really big on taxis. Digging through her clutch, she pulled out her phone.

_'Should I call her, I mean she said I could if I needed anything,' _Santana thought to herself.

"Hey, are you alright?"

Santana turned to the voice. With a raised eyebrow she eyed her up; brunette, about 5'4", in shape, no threat to her.

"I'm fine, thanks for asking," Santana replied. "I'm just trying to figure something out."

"Alright, well have a good time," the brunette said before she walked into a stall. When the door closed, Santana leaned against the sink. Closing her eyes and pushing send, she put the phone up to her ear. When a phone rang in the bathroom, she looked around. There wasn't anybody else in there, just her and the brunette.

**"Hello?"**

** "Yeah, uh, who's this?"**

** "Nikki...I'm guessing the girl that is standing by the sink is Santana?"**

Hanging up the phone, Santana sighed, hard.

"Nikki, I'm guessing you're Fiona's Nikki."

Flushing and exiting the stall, Nikki walked to a sink and started washing her hands, lots of soap(you can never be too careful), and looked at Santana.

"I am Fiona's Nikki, and you're Fiona's new buddy. She's mentioned you a few times," she said drying her hands. "She's here, obviously, or I wouldn't have her phone. What's wrong?"

Biting her lip, Santana looked around the room. "Would you take me with you to her? I mean I don't want ruin you guys night, but I need to talk to her."

"No problem, we're actually getting ready to leave soon, so it's fine," Nikki said as she held the door open for Santana.

Making their way across the club floor, Santana spotted Noel, she was leaning against the booth, obviously high. She would deal with her later.

"Hey Santana, what are you doing here?" Fiona said sitting at their booth in the corner of the club.

"I found her in the bathroom, she tried to call you, obviously she failed because I have your phone," Nikki said letting Santana into the booth.

Nodding, Fiona looked at Santana. "What's going on?"

"I had a rough night, decided to come here with a friend, well not so much a friend, but someone that I use to drink with. She has apparently go on to bigger and better sources of feeling better."

"Hard drugs?"

"Cocaine. She asked me if I wanted some, I said yeah, but then I went to the bathroom before I did anything. I need and want to leave, but she drove and I have no means of getting home, unless I call like my mom and dad, but they're at the hospital, graveyard shift."

"My first question, before anything else, why did you say that you wanted some? You just left rehab Santana," Fiona said looking at the Latina. She really saw herself in this girl, even if she wasn't suppose to, the time that they've known each other she's seen her at a sister.

"I don't know, I mean it's been a bad night. Before here and now as I am here. I was thinking about a lot of stuff and my brother and I just, I just didn't want to think about it anymore. I wasn't actually going to take any, I just sober."

"Alright, well, where do you live and who can we call for your friend?"

"I live in Lima Heights, the good part, and we could call her friend Jessica. I'm sure she'd come get her," Santana said scrolling through her phone. "Wait, why'd you want to know where I live?"

"Obviously because we're going to take you home," Nikki chimed in from her seat. "We're not going to leave you here and we're not going to leave her here without someone coming and getting her."

That's how half an hour later, Santana found herself in the backseat of Fiona's car, repeatedly apologizing for bothering them and giving directions. For the most part, Nikki just laughed and said it was no problem and Fiona just kept shaking her head and hiding a smile.

"You weren't lying when you said you live in the good part, nice house," Nikki said from her seat. "Just so you know, we live like 5 minutes from you. Literally, right on the line of Lima Heights and Lima Heights Adjacent," she said turning in her seat. "In case you want to visit or something."

"Uh, thanks. I mean for everything tonight and for I guess saying it's cool for me to come over?"

"No problem Santana," Fiona said from the driver's seat. "By the way, I'm proud of you."

"For what?"

"For calling me and for knowing you didn't want to go down another destructive path," she said turning her head to look at her. "I never did cocaine, but as you know I did heroine and it's addicting and cocaine is worse. So, I'm proud of you because you did the right thing."

"Oh, well, thanks I guess. There was few minutes there where I wasn't sure if I was actually going to do the right thing."

"But you did and that's all that matters."

"I guess you're right. It just sucks you know?" Santana said fiddling with her door handle.

"The fact that you're always going to have to work through losing a family member and be faced with difficult choices? Yes it does, but with friends and family, it's easier," Fiona stated. "So, it's about 2 am, so we're gonna let you go and text me tomorrow alright? I want to make sure that you're okay."

"Alright. Thanks for the ride and everything," Santana said opening the door. "Also, it was nice meeting you Nikki, you actually do remind me of Rachel."

With that, Santana made her way inside and Fiona and Nikki drove off.

"Are you ever going to tell her that you knew her brother?"

"One day."

* * *

**Alright, thank you guys for the reviews, all of which are things that I take into account. That being said, someone said **_"I have to be honest by saying that I think that you've gone a bit overboard. I mean, first you had Santana dealing with being an alcoholic and now that she has finished rehab (which you state in your story was so she could better herself and be with Rachel) but now you're brining drugs into her world after she just got better with the alochol? Just seems a bit much." _**I'm not trying to call you out, because in some ways you are right, but I can tell you from experience(I am a recovering alcoholic and addict myself), I've been in situations like that. My first drink was when I was 14, I am now 21 and I've been sober for 3 years. A recovering addict(cocaine for a bit, then heroine, then lsd) for a year and a half. The way I got into the cocaine was a situation just like I put Santana in, in the last chapter. So while it may seem like a bit much, it does happen, given I didn't get into it as soon as I got out of rehab, but still, it happens. That's the end of that. So, here's another chapter and the reviews are appreciated.**

**-Neyen**


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